What am I supposed to do with Pirates?
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: Hilarity and the gang are back! In this all singing, all dancing fifth part to the trilogy! Annoyingly, Pirates have ransacked the Labyrinth and it's up to our heroes to stop them! Please R&R. COMPLETE
1. A visit to the author

What am I supposed to do with Pirates?!  
  
(A sequel to the sequel of the sequel of the....oh sod it, it doesn't matter any more!)  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own Labyrinth, the Man who fell to Earth, Dick Deadeye or any  
of the Gilbert and Sullivan operettas!   
  
******  
  
A/N - Well, here it is! This one's been in the pipeline for a bit buuuut I couldn't rightly  
stay serious for long. This is soooo pretentious, but funny all the same Anyways, enjoy  
and please leave a contribution in a little box.  
  
******  
  
Chapter One - A visit to the author!  
  
******  
  
Lily was about to tuck her young cousin into bed after a stressful night of baby-sitting.   
  
*Just one more hour and I can go home!* she thought to herself happily. *I mean, kids  
I love 'em but I could never manage a whole one!*  
  
"Right you! Time to go to sleep." she ordered.  
  
"Oh please tell me another story!" cried the little girl.  
  
"No."  
  
"Please."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"TELL ME ANOTHER STORY NOW!!!!!!!"  
  
Lily quickly caved in. God! That child could be threatening! Not being able to think of  
anything she told the five year old the first story that came into her mind, her  
childhood obsession, The Labyrinth. Her cousin listened, enthralled all the way  
through as she described its many different places and funny creatures that lived in it.  
When she had finished, Lily was exhausted but sadly the feeling wasn't mutual!  
  
"Right you! Time to go to sleep." she ordered for the second time that evening.  
  
"Oh please tell me another story!" cried the little girl.  
  
"No."  
  
"Please."  
  
"No."  
  
"Please."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Oh I wish the goblins would come and take you away, right now!"  
  
Almost immediately there was a loud scratching sound from outside the window. Lily  
got up from the bed to see what was going on, that climbing rose had a tendency to get  
blown loose on windy days. The windows opened outwards in her aunt's house and  
she flung them open without thinking. there was a loud scream and a noise that  
sounded like something heavy had just fallen onto a compost heap.  
  
"Sorry!" she called down to the dark figure.  
  
Whoever it was decided against trying the window again and promptly got up to try  
the doorbell.  
  
Lily still hadn't worked out what was going on so she plodded downstairs and  
cautiously opened the door. She was faced with a mightily pissed off Goblin King.  
  
"Oh no! It's you!" they both said in unison.  
  
"What do you want, dude?" said Lily.  
  
"To take what is rightfully mine." was her reply.  
  
"What?...Oh yeah, Thali wished me away. But she's only five she didn't know what  
she was doing!"  
  
"What's said is said."  
  
"That's bloody unethical, that is!"  
  
"Trust me, I don't like the thought of being stuck with you any more than you do." said  
Jareth angrily "Because quite frankly, I find you very annoying!"  
  
"Feeling's mutual!" sniffed the teenager defensively.  
  
"And that's why I am willing to compromise! I'll let you stay if you write another story  
about Hilarity and the gang."  
  
Lily looked up with surprise. "That's it!"  
  
"That's it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't need a reason! I'm the bloody Goblin King! Do we have a deal?"  
  
"Sure." said Lily, then a thought stuck her "You're a secret fan aren't you?"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Oh yes you are!" she grinned "You sad muppet!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Oh! And could you sign this for me?"  
  
"Sure, who's it for?"  
  
"My daughter."  
  
"What's her name?"  
  
"Jareth."  
  
Lily fought back the giggles. "Whatever you say, dude!" 


	2. Meet the Parents

Chapter Two - Meet the Parents  
  
******  
  
A/N - That three headed dog of doom was beginning to look hungry!  
  
******  
  
In the dark catacombs of the castle beyond the Goblin City, all was quiet. Three  
figures initiated a whispered conversation of a bottle of cheap Merlot when suddenly a  
fourth entered silently.  
  
"I finally got Caradoc of to sleep!" said the fourth person and the others whispered an  
enthusiastic Yay of approval.   
  
These four strange entities were of course Jareth, Sarah, Hilarity and Thomas Newton.  
The latter two were both from other planets and had befriended the Goblin King and  
his Queen many years ago in a series of unusual adventures which even now are  
impossible to understand. Still the sheer absurdity of these exploits had brought them  
closer together and never once had they missed their Friday night get together. Friday  
night had been traditionally set up by Jareth and Hilarity as a Scrabble evening but as  
the group grew over the years they abandoned the whole board game scene and  
switched to getting totally bladdered instead.  
  
"I'm sorry, Hils, but this is something we need to do." said Thomas, continuing the  
argument from before.  
  
"No! Please don't make me go!" came his reply.  
  
"I'm going to have to meet your parents sooner or later."  
  
"Trust me, meet them later. Much later."  
  
"Are you ashamed of me or something?"  
  
"Of course not, darling. I'm ashamed of them!"  
  
"What's going on?" asked Sarah.  
  
"Tom wants me to introduce him to my parents!" said Hilarity and mimed her own  
strangulation.  
  
"So. We're all embarrassed by our parents. It's part of life."  
  
"Get your parents bad qualities and multiply them by infinity and you might just get  
slightly closer to what my parents are like."  
  
"Can't be that bad." said Sarah "But if you're really not happy about it we could all go  
and create a diversion as it were."  
  
"Oh no we couldn't!" said Jareth firmly.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Flashback to Eight Years Ago ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Hilarity and Jareth stood frozen with horror in the middle of a chintz wallpapered hell.  
  
"I really don't know what to say!" said Hilarity's mother gravely "Getting drunk!  
Staying out all night! Steeling a life-size inflatable Michelin Man!! Dressing it in drag  
and scaring old ladies with it in the park!!! And then you get arrested and its muggins  
here who has to bail you out!"  
  
"I'm sorry." said Hilarity.  
  
"Just wait till your father gets home!" said her mother "Have you any idea on how  
much we spend on your education? I will not stand by and watch you waste it by  
criminal behaviour and fraternising with campy kidnappers!"  
  
"Hey, I resent that!" shouted Jareth.  
  
"You resent it! Well you should have thought about that before you started leading my  
daughter astray!"  
  
"Me! Leading her astray? My dear lady, I think you'll find that it was mostly the other  
way round."  
  
"You're a bad influence! You and your Gremlins!"  
  
"Goblins!"  
  
"It doesn't matter what they are! What matters is that I'm holding you personally  
responsible!"  
  
"Oi, Zip it!" said Jareth and threw a small crystal in Hilarity's mum's direction. Mrs  
Freak's eyes glazed over with horror when she found that her lips had been replaced  
by a large zipper.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Eand Flashback ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"That's why." said Hilarity cringing at the memory. "No. It's very sweet of you to  
offer, Sarah, but this is something we need to do on our own." 


	3. Grow where you are planted!

Chapter Three - Grow where you're planted!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! It's been a while I know, but I've just finished a rather hectic choir tour in  
Venice. Great fun. Masks and gondolas everywhere plus the obligatory theme park  
visit! Anyways, I'm back after a quick hop and a skip through Switzerland and France  
and back across that fetid little channel back to the land of drizzle. There's my excuse,  
hope you liked it. Now on with the story! Arrivaderci senoritas!  
  
******  
  
Thomas gazed with disbelief at the house that contained Hilarity's parents. He hadn't  
expected them to live so deep in the dense forests that surrounded the buzzing  
metropolis in which he and his girlfriend were living. After a ten mile trek from the  
nearest spaceship parking zone, machetes in hand ready to ward off the endangered  
but deadly giant hornets, they had reached their remote destination. The house itself  
was mostly underground to protect it from the stifling heat of the rainforest. The only  
part that was visible was a large glass greenhouse that was steamed up with the  
humidity at a temperature that could steam cabbage.  
  
He looked across to Hilarity and noticed that her nails were a lot shorter and raw than  
usual.  
  
"I feel like some coffee! You want some? I saw a place about five miles away!" she  
said trembling with agitation and quickly tried to escape.  
  
"Hilarity. It's fine. There's nothing for you to worry about." Thomas said soothingly  
after he had rugby tackled her and dragged her back to the front door.  
  
"But you don't understand! My parents are..."  
  
"I don't care if they're a couple of angry Vogons. I love you and I'm going to do  
everything it takes to get them to accept me." came her reply as Thomas took her face  
in his hands and kissed her gently. "Are you ready?"  
  
"I dunno. I might need a bit more coaxing." she said and waggled her eyebrows in the  
way that always made him laugh. At least she still had her sense of humour.  
  
******  
  
After a bit more 'coaxing' (that was mostly tongue related), Hilarity and Thomas  
plucked up their courage and rang the bell at the front of the glass house. They heard  
the sound of footsteps upon a concrete floor with the occasional mufflement as the  
walker accidentally trod in a pile of soft peat. The steamy door flew open and a giant  
dressed as a middle aged man stepped out. In unison, Hilarity and Thomas craned  
their necks to look the man in the eye. He was huge, well over eight feet tall and had  
the same blue/black hair and dazzling violet eyes as Hilarity and while they were both  
blessed with the gift of height, the man who stood before them had the physical  
stature to go with it while Hilarity still remained a spindly lamppost. So this was the  
renowned horticulturist, Ranford Freak, Hilarity's father.  
  
"Hi dad!" cried Hilarity and was soon engulfed in bone crushing bear hug.  
  
"Honey, we weren't expecting you till ten. How was the traffic?" said Ranford.  
  
"Not too bad."  
  
"And the walk here?"  
  
"Nothing fatal."  
  
Both father and daughter stepped into the eccentric house, quietly chatting without  
giving Thomas a second glance. Had he not moved quickly, the door would have  
slammed in his face. Once inside, Thomas gasped with shock as they entered a room  
filled to the brim with the most beautiful flowers he had ever seen in all shapes and  
sizes, including the large, spiky form of the black orchid Hilarity had brought back  
from her first trip to the Labyrinth.  
  
"So how's you're latest book going?" Ranford enquired breaking the stunned silence.  
  
"Still in the research stages at the moment. I thought I'd do something about the Alteia  
star systems and their famous jewelled coastlines." said Hilarity.  
  
"Excellent, when's the trip planned?"  
  
"We're leaving next season." she said smiling.  
  
"Who's we?"  
  
"Me and Thomas of course." said Hilarity with a quick gesture to the alien at the other  
end of the room, admiring a large species of fern.  
  
"Oh! Sorry, I though you were talking about this mysterious new man in your life I've  
heard so much about."  
  
"I was!"  
  
"Oh." said her father and looked slightly shocked. Inter-species relationships were not  
completely accepted in polite society and were regarded as unnatural and flipping  
pointless. He looked at his daughter in disbelief. "Well, if that's the way you feel  
then..." he wasn't sure what to say "You're mother's not going to like this! I'm not  
getting involved because everything I get involved with automatically becomes my  
fault. If I were you, I wouldn't introduce this guy to her until she's completely calmed  
down..."  
  
******  
  
A few hours later they flew home in silence. Hilarity was still seething with anger and  
Thomas was still nursing his head wound.  
  
"That woman!" Hilarity snarled. "I'm so sorry, I was not expecting her to throw that  
wellington boot at you!"  
  
"I'll be all right." said Thomas.  
  
"She's never hit anyone before."  
  
"She's not a violent person?"  
  
"No, her aims really bad!"  
  
They got out of the ship and made their way to Hilarity's apartment block.  
  
"Still, I liked your dad." said Thomas "He's a really decent person."  
  
"Yeah." said Hilarity as they climbed the steps up to the main entrance.   
  
"I was a bit worried though when he started talking to his plants."  
  
"Yeah, he does that sometimes."  
  
"He said: "You're so gorgeous, if you were a Zean I'd make love to you right now" !!!"  
said Thomas as they got into the elevator "I thought he was talking to me and I was  
about to leg it!"  
  
Hilarity looked at him then fell into a fit of laughing "Oh crap! I should have warned  
you about that."  
  
They got out, still giggling like a pair of school kids. Hilarity opened the door to her  
flat and switched on the living room light.  
  
The room was filled with Goblins! 


	4. What the Bloody Hell is going on!

Chapter Four - What the Bloody Hell is going on?!  
  
******  
  
A/N - OK, it's a shorty today. Holidays are over and I'm snowed under with revision!  
Fewer updates I'm afraid or lots of little ones like this.  
  
P.S - Big thank you to Clover for the idea about it being Trin's fault. ^_^ laters!  
  
******  
  
Hilarity looked around her living room, eyes widening with shock. Thousands of  
Goblins of all shapes and sizes were wreaking havoc in her apartment, breaking her  
crockery and fiddling with the household computer and the coffee machine. Some of  
them were building little camps under tables and chairs or making themselves very  
comfortable inside cupboards and drawers. The Goblin King sat calmly on the sofa as  
if nothing was happening and Sarah was cautiously watching Caradoc as he played  
with what looked like a small torch.  
  
"Jareth, what the bloody hell is going on?!?" shouted Hilarity, suddenly coming to her  
senses.  
  
"Aunty Hils, look what I've found." said Caradoc happily holding up the torch,  
unaware of his godmother's spiralling temper.  
  
"Oh no, Caradoc, that's not a toy. It's an all purpose swiz army lazer beam!" she said  
worriedly (the swiz star system is famous for its army lazer beams but whenever an  
interstellar war broke out it conveniently stays neutral). "Just be careful OK!" she  
turned back to the original focus of her anger "I'll repeat my question. What's going on  
and why are there seven hundred Goblins in my front room?!!!"  
  
"We had to evacuate, my Lady!" said one of the more intelligent if not enthusiastic  
creatures. Hilarity was briefly surprised at its Russian accent.  
  
"I'm afraid Boris is right." said Jareth who upon closer inspection looked a lot more  
tired than usual "The Labyrinth has been invaded by pirates and we had to leave."  
  
"What? How?" said Thomas.  
  
"I don't know, they took us completely by surprise! The guard fought them off the best  
they could but they were just too strong. The only option was to evacuate."  
  
"Yes, but why here?!" said Hilarity through gritted teeth. Goblins were fine in their  
natural habitat but not on her nice clean carpet.  
  
"Because this is all your fault!" Jareth shouted.  
  
"My fault! How can it be my fault?"  
  
"You must have told them the way through the Labyrinth via the underwater coral  
caves."  
  
"I did no such thing. How could you suspect your best friend of doing something like  
that?" Hilarity yelled. She would have been hurt if she wasn't so damn angry.  
  
"You're the only other person who knows how to get in that way. I showed you on that  
fishing holiday we went on!"  
  
"That was seven years ago! You know my memory's not that good!" said Hilarity "It  
must have been someone else. But the only other person who went with us on that trip  
was..."  
  
The arguing friends looked at each other as it dawned on them, clear as crystal.  
  
"Trin!" they both cried in unison. 


	5. Venus and Serena

Chapter Five - Venus an Serena  
  
******  
  
A/N - Another quickie. Beware, this one's pretty surreal! Too many fruit pastilles!  
  
******  
  
"I'm going to kill him!" cried Jareth angrily "That little fool has gone too far this  
time!"  
  
"I'm sure he didn't mean it." said Hilarity in Trin's defence.  
  
"Hils' right. Trin never does this type of thing on purpose." said Sarah "And as much  
as we'd all like to kill him right now...or any other time for that matter...I think we  
should here him out."  
  
******  
  
Incidentally, it just so happened that Hilarity had a tennis game planned with Trin the  
following morning. They booked their usual court balcony on the five hundredth floor  
of their nearest leisure centre building.  
  
"OK then." said Hilarity "I'll be Venus, you can be Serena."  
  
"But I'm always Serena!" Trin complained.  
  
"Hmmm yes, that is a problem....here's an idea...deal with it!"  
  
They began playing for a while until Hilarity stopped suddenly.  
  
"Er...I've just remembered, I've forgotten my special...er...tennis...HAT....that'll do.  
Yeah, my special tennis hat. Can't play without it. I'll just pop back and get it!" and  
she ran away shouting "OK! YOU CAN GET HIM NOW!!!" which was the top secret  
signal for the goblins to attack and carry out their interrogation.  
  
Trin stood alone on the tennis court, dumbfounded. "But you don't have a special  
tennis hat!" before he could say anything more a gaggle of the strongest goblins  
jumped out from absolutely nowhere, pounced on him, tied him up and dragged him  
off. 


	6. Ve haf Vays of Makingk you Talk!

Chapter Six - Ve haf Vays of makingk you talk!  
  
******  
  
The next thing Trin knew, he was strapped to a table with a bright light shinning in his  
eyes.  
  
"Hils? Where are you? Joke's over now. I want to go home." he cried.  
  
"You are not goingk anyvere, you idiotic little bourgeoisie!" said a squeaky voice with  
an oddly Russian accent.  
  
"Burjwa what now?!" said Trin thoroughly confused.  
  
"Bourgeoisie it's a political term for...er...oh never mind!" said the voice. "I am Boris.  
His Majesty's right hand Goblin."  
  
"Oh no! Not you lot again!"  
  
"Silence! You are currently under arrest for treason and general buggeration against  
the Goblin City."  
  
"What?! How?"  
  
"That is vat ve vant to know, alien scum. Who haf you been talkingk to and vat did  
you tell them?"  
  
"I haven't been 'talkingk' to anyone you disgusting little creature. And I resent being  
called scum. I'm not scum, my species merely evolved from scum!"  
  
Before the little Goblin could argue further, a door opened and he was picked up by  
the scruff of the neck and chucked through it. The bright light was then turned off and  
Trin suddenly realised that he was lying on Hilarity's dinning room table and it was  
the same who had rescued him from the terrible Russian wrath he was about to  
endure.  
  
"Hi Trin. Sorry about that." she said.  
  
"Hils? What's going on? Who was that?!"  
  
"Who? Boris? Oh, don't worry about him. He's just Jareth's butler."  
  
"He said he was a right hand Goblin."  
  
"That's only because he's right handed. I think he must've misunderstood and gotten a  
little overexcited."  
  
"Well, can you untie me then?"  
  
"In a word...no."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Just a teeny little problem. The Labyrinth's been ransacked by what seemed to be  
pirates and Jareth got this crazy idea that you were responsible." her tone was much  
more sinister than usual.  
  
"So...what's the problem?" said Trin warily.  
  
"The problem, my dear cousin, is that I now have the entire population of Goblin City  
camping out in my living room! And if we don't get them out soon, I will not be held  
responsible for my actions!"  
  
"I thought you didn't mind the Goblins that much."  
  
"That was when they were in the castle, where they belong. Not when they're running  
riot in my house, breaking my stuff and treading goodness knows what into the carpet!  
Now did you tell anyone about Labyrinth's secret underwater shortcut?"  
  
"The Coral Caves?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Where we went on that fishing trip?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And how the only way to get in is to play Echoes by Pink Floyd on the stylophone  
whilst dancing the Can Can?"  
  
"Whoever designed that bit had a weird sense of humour, but yes."  
  
"Ah!"  
  
"Ah...what?"  
  
"Ah! As in : Ah! I may have told a few guys down the pub."  
  
"Ok. That might not be too bad. Did they look at all....piratey?"  
  
"Not really." said Trin, deep in recollection. "But I think one of them had a peg  
leg....and a three cornered sailing hat...and an eyepatch....and a parrot." he looked  
away, his face full of shame. "I thought it was a new trend! They were all wearing  
them!"  
  
Hilarity shook her head with disbelief "Oh Trin." she sighed. 


	7. The Witch among Thorns

Chapter Seven - The Witch among Thorns!  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the story featured in this chapter and am not using it for any  
profit.  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi, thanks for the lovely reviews. It's nice to get some feedback now and again.  
I've got a really horrible case of writer's block, I'm afraid, so this chapters a little of the  
wall story that Jareth tells Caradoc While Hilarity and Trin are desperately trying to  
find a way out of this mess. Enjoy!  
  
******  
  
"Dad? Can you tell me a story?" said a little voice from somewhere around Jareth's  
knee. He was too distracted to notice however due to the loud "YOU DID  
WHAT!?!?!" that boomed from the next room.  
  
"DAD!" said Caradoc angrily.  
  
"Sorry. What?"  
  
"Can you tell me a story?" the little crazy-haired boy repeated.  
  
"Ask your mother."  
  
"She went out."  
  
"Oh...OK then." said Jareth with a shrug. "Which story?"  
  
"Make one up." Caradoc commanded. The Goblin King sighed. His son was turning  
into a right little... He really should have paid more attention the 'do as I say, not as I  
do' side of parenting.  
  
"Er...right. OK. Once upon a time there lived a...servant called...er...Stan! And he  
worked very hard for three whole years. Until one day his master said "I don't like you  
anymore so go away."  
  
"But you haven't paid me anything yet!" said Stan.  
  
"Oh right." said his master and gave him three bits of fluff and kicked him out of the  
door.  
  
Now Stan didn't know very much about money. So he thought that three bits of fluff  
was a good thing and said to himself. "Wow! Three whole bits of fluff. I must be a  
millionaire!" and he skipped away on his travels.  
  
He had walked for a little while until he met a little elf sitting under a tree.  
  
"Hello little elf! What's happening with you today?" said Stan.  
  
"Er! Nothing." said the elf "Just sitting under this tree....What's happening with you?"  
  
"Well, I'm off on my travels. I've got three years wages in my purse."  
  
"Three years wages? Wow, how much is that? You must be a millionaire."  
  
"Even better!" said Stan proudly. "I've got three bits of *da dala la da da DA* Fluff!"  
  
The little elf's eyes widened with wonderment. "Oh! I dreamed of having only one bit  
of fluff, but, three bits of fluff! Wow! What could I do with that? I could make a little  
fluffy hat...and a little pair of fluffy slippers. Woohoo! Set me a treat for the winter  
that would!"  
  
Now Stan had a very kind heart. And he gave all his fluff to the little elf.  
  
"Oh bless ya heart, young man." said the elf (Jareth suddenly realised his funny elf  
voice had switched from a Liverpudlian accent to an Irish one, but Caradoc didn't  
seem to mind.) "Never have I had such an act of kindness bestowed upon me. And as  
a reward, I shall grant ya three wishes. One for every piece of fluff."  
  
"All Right!!" cried Stan happily. "Fantastic! Well for my first wish, I wish for...er...a  
fiddle...that whenever I play it everyone is forced to get up and dance. And next I want  
a....Oh this is so exiting isn't it...a bow and arrow, and whenever I shoot it *twang* it  
will always hit what I aim at. And thirdly...thirdly...Come on, Stan! This is  
important!....yeah!...I wish that whenever I ask a person a favour, he'll have to do what  
I ask."  
  
"All that, you shall have." said the elf. *ding* And Stan found himself carrying a  
fiddle, a bow and arrow and a piece of paper that said : "Do what Stan says or the  
elves will come and getcha!" Then the elf disappeared in a puff of blue smoke.  
  
"Well thank...eh!...Oh! He's gone." said Stan and looked at his new acquirements "Not  
bad. They're not as good as three bits of fluff but, they'll do me!" he said and skipped  
off happier than a fly on a piece of crap. And that's the end of the first bit." said Jareth,  
his throat was hurting.  
  
"But I want to hear the rest now!" complained Caradoc.  
  
"No. Perhaps some other time. When the author can't be arsed to write properly." said  
the Goblin King and looked up to discover that Hilarity and Trin had finally come out  
from the dinning room... 


	8. Planet of Penzance!

Chapter Eight - Planet of Penzance!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Back on track! Hooray! Bloody revision!  
  
******  
  
"Trin has something to say." said Hilarity solemnly and looked across at her cousin.  
When he didn't say anything, she quickly stamped on his foot.  
  
"OW! Jesus Christ, Hils!!" said Trin with shock and pain "Er...I mean I'm sorry. I got  
drunk and unwittingly told some pirates how to get into your Labyrinth."  
  
"But don't worry! I have a plan." Hilarity cut in, trying to prolong Trin's life for at least  
a few more seconds.  
  
"All right. But be quick with it. You're wasting valuable killing time." Jareth growled.  
  
"All we need to do to get rid of the pirate problem is to find an equally motley crew  
and hire them as mercenaries to get the Labyrinth back."  
  
Jareth thought about this for a while and seemed to come to a conclusion. "That's a  
very good idea actually. But first I must let the Goblins kill your cousin."  
  
"Don't even think about it!" Hilarity shouted, (mentally noting all the stuff she would  
get Trin to do to pay her back after this horrible mess was cleared up) "Or I'll never  
speak to you ever again!" she threatened.  
  
"Vell, can't ve just mortally vound him?" Boris piped up.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Maul 'im a little bit?" another Goblin whined.  
  
"No!" the aliens shouted.  
  
******  
  
After half an hour of bargaining, the Goblins were finally promised two paper cuts  
and a nasty toe stubbing, much to Trin's protests. It was hardly the vengeance they  
desired but it would have to do seeing as Hilarity was their King's only source of cable  
TV and liquorice allsorts.  
  
"Right." said Hilarity in a business-like manner. "The first thing we need to do is get  
some pirates."  
  
"Where the hell are we going to find pirates on a Saturday?" said Thomas sceptically.  
  
"Well there is one place. But it is strictly forbidden for all law abiding life-forms to go  
there..." said Hilarity grimly.  
  
"So, no problem there." joked Jareth. "Where is this place?"  
  
"The outlaw planet of Penzance!" said Hilarity dramatically "Home to the  
inter-galactic black market, the League of Mafiosi Compadrates and scores and scores  
of pirates!"  
  
"Sounds perfect." said Trin uneasily.  
  
"But we have to leave right now if you want to beat the bank holiday weekend space  
traffic on the 18675XT3omega bypass." said Hilarity. "Otherwise there'll be no chance  
of getting there before Tuesday."  
  
"But we can't leave now! Sarah's still at Selfridges and we need to get someone to  
baby-sit Caradoc." said Jareth.  
  
They all looked around at each other. Someone would have to stay.  
  
"I don't mind staying behind!" said Trin eagerly.  
  
"You will not!" said Hilarity "You need to face up to your responsibilities."  
  
"I'll stay." groaned Thomas.  
  
"Oh no, Tom. You can come if you want." said Hilarity, her tone softening.  
  
"No, It's seems sensible. I'll explain everything to Sarah and make sure the Goblins  
don't break anything. Besides, if anyone on Penzance found out I was from another  
Galaxy, they'd probably hunt me for my ivory or something!"  
  
And so, after a hurried goodbye, Jareth , Hilarity, Trin and Boris made their way to the  
battered silver space ship that was parallel parked outside the apartment block... 


	9. Stawnch

Chapter Nine - Stawnch!  
  
******  
  
Hilarity's old Space Hopper 6000 made a jerky landing near Penzance's main port. It  
was amazing! The town was seething with life even at two o'clock in the morning.  
Filled with smugglers and street traders and beggars and shady characters and rogues  
and ruffians and riffraff. As for the buildings! They were either ancient cottages or  
tiny cabins crudely fashioned from bits of old ships and corrugated metal. The whole  
place was like a recycled scrap heap. The ships was pretty weird too. Wherever  
something had gone awry the owners would just replace it with whatever was  
available (or stolen). The whole effect was a bit like a Frankenstein's monster in space  
ship form. Trin kept getting the feeling that these guys enjoyed drag racing.  
  
"Jesus! What a dump!" said Jareth.  
  
"Yeah. It finally makes sense why they'd want your Labyrinth." Hilarity answered.  
Sharp as a knife, that one. "This is a bit of pirate paradise, isn't it. I might put this in  
my next book."  
  
"So where do find this crew?" said Trin.  
  
"Meet with who ever's in charge I guess." his cousin replied.  
  
The three humanoids (and the one goblinoid) made their was to the nearest public  
house, which was incidentally called 'The Rat and Parrot'. Jareth shot the surly barman  
a friendly grin. The man didn't seem to notice though as he was staring intently at  
Boris.  
  
"Sorry mate. No pets allowed. You'll 'ave to tie 'im up outside." he said.  
  
Boris seethed with anger. "VHAT!!!...mmfl!" he began to shout but Hilarity quickly  
clamped her hand over his mouth.   
  
"No need to draw attention." she whispered and promptly escorted him to the street  
outside.  
  
"That's better." said the barman "No what can I get ya?"  
  
"What do you recommend?" said Jareth. This person sounded pleasant enough but  
there was something about him that the barman found unsettling. To be fair, there was  
a lot of unsettling people who drank at The Rat but this guy just carried himself  
differently from the usual scum. No, this one should probably be gotten rid of as soon  
as possible.  
  
"Well, there is our house speciality. Its called Stawnch." said the barman "Should  
warn you, though. it's pretty strong."  
  
"Sounds peachy. I'll try it." said the Goblin King. The bar suddenly went into a deadly  
silence. Someone had actually ordered a Stawnch. Only one man had done that in their  
living memory and he was now in a lunatic asylum.  
  
"And for your lady friend?"  
  
"Just lager for me thanks." said Hilarity. She'd heard the myths about Stawnch and  
desperately hoped Jareth knew what he was getting himself in for. Wait a minute!  
Lady friend!! What the...!  
  
"And for you, young sir?" said the barman looking at Trin.  
  
"Um...yeah. Lager sounds good." he replied.  
  
The drinks were served and Hilarity was beginning to feel more and more uneasy as  
all eyes in the bar were turned unblinkingly to them. Like foxes around a chicken  
coup, she thought to herself.  
  
Jareth eyed the Stawnch with mild amusement. It smelled faintly of apples among  
other things but it looked like something you would clean pennies with. With a shrug,  
he picked up the shot glass and tipped its contents down his throat, which was met by  
a terrified gasp from his growing audience. He placed the small decanter back on the  
bar, insides stinging a bit but not noticeably.  
  
"It's a bit weak for me, but it'll do." he said with a little smirk.   
  
******  
  
"You bloody show off!" cried Hilarity, not unkindly, as they sat down at an empty  
table away from the fray. Jareth gave her an innocent 'who? me?' look. "You always  
have to go out of your way to prove your manliness. If I didn't know you better, I'd say  
you had self esteem issues."  
  
"Can you blame me? The look on that barman's ugly face was priceless. Besides we  
need to flaunt whatever strength's we've got. It's the only thing these people  
understand around here. Trust me, I may have saved us from getting mugged."  
  
Hilarity laughed. "Oh well! I guess you're right." she said "I'm still in shock after that  
guy called me your lady friend!"  
  
"What's so shocking about that?" said Jareth. "If I wasn't madly in love with my wife,  
I might've considered it."  
  
"Well, I'm flattered. But after sharing a tent with you in the Land of the Dead without  
any magic whatsoever and with only Goblin Bread to eat really put me off." she  
laughed. 


	10. The Door

Chapter Ten - The Door  
  
******  
  
A/N - I'm planning a Labyrinth/Young Ones crossover should be out in a few months.  
e-mail me for info. If this story doesn't make any sense then please read the previous  
ones. Whether it will help or not is up for scrutiny but please leave a review anyway.  
Shorty again, sorry. Exams in three weeks and counting!!!!!!  
  
******  
  
Sarah arrived home a few hours later than she had expected. She had thought it was a  
good idea to phone her family but instantly regretted it when she discovered the sheer  
enormousness of Interstellar Contact Inc. not mention its highly escalating prices.  
Anyway, after trying to make sense of Zea's highly erratic economy she quickly gave  
up and returned to Hilarity's apartment.   
  
Thomas looked up as the door slid open. Finally salvation! It wasn't easy looking after  
thousands of Goblins and a maniac Goblin Prince. He now felt a deep admiration for  
his friends and for the first time was not too fussed that he and Hilarity belonged to  
different species.  
  
"Hi." said Sarah. "Where is everyone?"  
  
"Oh! They left to find some pirates." said Thomas nonchalantly.  
  
"What? And they didn't tell me!" cried Sarah "Great! I have to miss out on a second  
adventure."  
  
"You didn't miss much. Except Jareth getting a hangover, that was priceless." said  
Thomas. "Oh! And we found your friends but they kind of got killed again."  
  
"You know, Tom. We've never really talked."  
  
"Yes, but remember until last year I didn't talk at all."  
  
And so the human and the alien opened a bottle of non-alcoholic gin substitute  
(Thomas was still recovering from his thirty-five year long drinking problem) and  
chatted the evening away.  
  
******  
  
Inside the Rat and Parrot, things were getting a little bit raucous as the beer started  
flowing and hoards of drunken sailors began playing deadly games of cards and darts  
and the like. The juke box blared out various old punk rock songs followed (strangely)  
by Let's Dance by David Bowie.  
  
"Christ! I hate this song." said Trin.  
  
"What's wrong with it!?" said Jareth defensively.  
  
Trin was about to make a long list of what was wrong with it when Hilarity grabbed  
his arm and pointed to a menacing looking door in the corner.  
  
"Have you noticed something about that door?" she whispered secretively.  
  
"No. Not really."  
  
"There have been pirates coming in and out of it since we got here." she said.  
  
"Perhaps its the men's room." suggested Trin.  
  
"You don't knock and tell some guys a password through a slit in the door when you  
go to the men's room."  
  
"Perhaps it's staff only."  
  
"Will you shut up about toilets!" his cousin snapped "That is obviously the entrance to  
a secret headquarters. The secret headquarters of whoever is in charge around here and  
that, me hearties, is just the person we need to talk to..." 


	11. The witch among thorns part 2

Chapter Eleven - The Witch Among Thorns Part 2  
  
Stan had been travelling for three days until he found a tree in the middle of a large  
thorn bush. And in the tree, there perched a bird singing beautifully.  
  
"Beautifully! BEAUTIFULLY!!" sang the bird.   
  
And then it began a song the was even lovelier...  
  
"Even lovelier! EVEN LOVELIER!!"  
  
But OH! JESUS CHRIST!! What was that horrible smell? You know that smell where  
you get your socks and you're sick in them, and then you put them on and play football  
for three weeks, and then you're sick in them again and then you stand in a dung heap  
for a year. Well that smell smelt worse than THAT!!  
  
But what Stan didn't know, was that this...was exactly...what a WITCH smelt like! In  
fact he didn't even realise that there was a witch nearby, until he walked right into her.  
  
"Oy! Gerroff! Watch where ya goin' ya useless piece of filth!" said the witch.  
  
"Oh! I'm sorry, nice old lady." said Stan politely. Although he did wonder why a nice  
old lady had orange eyes, a long goat's beard, blocks of wood in her mouth where her  
teeth should have been and smelled like no one had cleaned out the lav for a year.  
  
"Ya see that bird?" said the witch.  
  
"Yes. Nice old lady."  
  
"Well do me a favour and kill it would ya!"  
  
Oh no! Stan couldn't kill another living thing. He wouldn't even wash spiders down  
the plughole.  
  
"I'm sorry, nice old lady, but I just can't do it." he said.  
  
So the witch punched him. "You better do it or the worse it'll be for you! I'm bloody  
hungry so it's either the bird or you that goes in my cooking pot!"  
  
Stan was terrified by the old woman's threats but he still didn't want to kill the little  
bird that was singing so gorgeously!  
  
"SO GORGEOUSLY! SOOOOO GORGEOUSLYYYY!!!"  
  
So Stan shot the branch in between the bird's legs so it would lose it's balance but not  
get hurt. And the bird fluttered down and landed on a patch of soft moss in the middle  
of the ominous thorn bush.  
  
"HA!" laughed the witch "Thanks titch!" and she immediately began crawling under  
the thorns, licking her warty lips expectantly.  
  
"Hi little birdy wirdy! Lovely birdy wirdy! Come and get munched up by the lovely  
old  
witch! Hah ha that's me!"  
  
Stan watched in horror as the witch got closer and closer to the bird. Then suddenly he  
came up with a plan! He picked up his magic fiddle and began to play.  
  
No sooner than when the first note had been played, the witch's legs shot up into the  
air! And she began to dance a merry little jig in the middle of the treacherous thorn  
bush.  
  
"AHHH! OWWW! What the hell is going on?!" she shouted.  
  
But Stan played on. By now the thorns were scratching and scraping the witch all  
over. Her wooden dentures flew out and flew back in again upside down and bits of  
her beard were already being ripped off!  
  
"OWW! OWW! PLEASE HAVE MERCY! OWWWW that was serious!!!" howled  
the witch.  
  
But Stan still played on.  
  
"PLEASE! PLEASE STOP! AND I'LL GIVE YOU A HUGE PURSE FULL OF  
GOLD!!!"  
  
That stopped him!  
  
"ALL RIGHT!!" cried Stan happily "This must be my lucky day!"  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Hilarity, Trin and Jareth were trying to access the pirates secret headquarters which  
was is situated in the back room of a manky old pub called the Rat and Parrot. They  
were having little success at this as they did not know the secret password and  
whenever they asked the guard on the door he insisted that it was a secret!  
  
"Please let us in." said Hilarity "It's very important."  
  
"Sorry miss. No password no entry." said the guard.  
  
"Is it 'Ahoy there'?" the alien asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Jolly Roger?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Shiver me timbers." Jareth suggested.  
  
"No."  
  
"Scurvy Dog?" said Trin.  
  
"NO! Now bugger off and stop wasting my time!" said the guard.  
  
"But we desperately need to see your leader!" said Jareth.  
  
"Well that's your problem!" said the guard and shut the tiny hatch in the door that he  
was poking his head out of.  
  
"Well that was well though out, wasn't it!" said Jareth dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"Well, I didn't see you having any better ideas!" said Hilarity angrily.  
  
"Actually I do have a better idea." said the Goblin King "One of us insults that guard  
to his face until he's ready to commit murder then when he comes out to beat that  
person up the other two will rush past him and into the secret headquarters."  
  
"You know. That's not half bad!" said Hilarity. She always relied on her friend when it  
came to cheating and being downright sneaky. "Just one little problem though. Who's  
going to insult him?"  
  
"I vote for Trin!" said Jareth quickly.  
  
"I vote for Trin too." said Hilarity.  
  
"So do I." said a random drunk at the bar. He had nothing to do with the story but was  
getting quite interested in what was going on.  
  
"That's not fair!" cried Trin.  
  
"How many times have we heard that one before?!" said Jareth sarcastically.  
  
"Look I know I'm not the most reliable person in the world and I can't do magic or  
parallel park a space ship or drink ten tequilas in a row and still stay conscious like  
you guys." said Trin and took a deep breath "But I'm still a Zean being and I have  
rights."  
  
"Fine!" said Hilarity taking pity on her cousin. "We'll cut cards for it. Lowest card  
goes. Ace counts as one."  
  
She took out an old pack and began shuffling them in a very skilled and flamboyant  
way. Hilarity used to as a black jack dealer at an adult theme park until she was fired  
for counting cards.  
  
Jareth went first. King of spades. Fitting.  
  
Then came Hilarity. Three of diamonds.  
  
Then is was Trin's turn. Things were getting close.... Two of clubs.   
  
Bollocks! 


	12. Tis a glorious thing!

Chapter Twelve - 'Tis a glorious thing!  
  
A/N - OK, I can't update for a while because my GCSEs start next week and I really  
need to get serious about my revision, no more half hour slots. Realistically there  
won't be anything until early July. Sorry!!  
  
Lily sat cross legged in her back garden trying to concentrate on her last trigonometry  
problem. Just one more question to go in today's revision session but wow, it was a  
bugger! She took a sip of Coke and once again tried to figure it out logically.  
Morrigan the cat was nuzzling her knee affectionately.  
  
"I don't suppose you know how to work out the cosine of X, do you?" said the girl but  
the cat only looked at her and purred. "Didn't think so."  
  
"It's the adjacent divided by the hypotenuse, you silly girl." said a familiarly, arrogant  
voice. Lily looked to her right and came face to face with the Goblin King who had  
appeared next to her on the lawn.  
  
"Oh! Thanks." she said suspiciously "But something tells me you're not here to give  
me a maths lesson."  
  
"Sadly no. Although you really do need one." said Jareth "I've come to discuss you're  
writing."  
  
"Oh, here we go again!"  
  
"You're getting sloppy!"  
  
"I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment!" Lily argued. "I've got a lot of things to  
do."  
  
"Like swanning around in Italy?"  
  
"It was a working holiday!"  
  
"Which I did not permit!"  
  
"I know! You sent that little Goblin in the red coat to frighten me. You know I get  
freaked out by "Don't Look Now" it's like the scariest movie ever!"  
  
"Well, what's you're excuse now?"  
  
"I'm bloody tired and I don't feel like it OK!" said Lily angrily "And you haven't  
helping, keeping everyone awake at night with your incessant hooting!"  
  
"Well, it's the mating season, I get carried away sometimes." said Jareth defensively  
"Never mind, just make sure you get back on track when you finish school." and with  
he vanished leaving nothing but a pile of glitter and a packet of liquorice allsorts,  
which Lily promptly fed to Morrigan to see what would happen.  
  
Trin approached the door again cautiously and knocked. He was still the bait for the  
plan but at least he had lost the card cutting fair and square. The hatch opened once  
again and a very angry looking guard poked his out.  
  
"What do yous want now!" he shouted with irritation.  
  
"Erm... excuse me?" said Trin shakily "But your father was the illegitimate son of a  
fish wife!"  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"And you're mother is so big that when she tried wearing high heels she struck oil!"  
  
The guard looked at Trin in a strange way which in no way as threatening as he had  
expected. "Ah! So you know my parents!" said the guard "Well, why didn't you say  
so, friend! Come on in!" and with that the ominous looking door at the back of the  
pub swung open.  
  
"Hey! That was easy!" said Hilarity happily and followed the others inside.  
  
The back room was dark and unsavoury and reeked of sour beer. At the back was a  
crowded table occupied by a dozen or so shady looking characters and at the head was  
the most elaborate looking pirate Hilarity had ever seen. Unusually, he looked just like  
Keith Richards.  
  
"The Pirate King will see you now." said the guard and motioned for them to move  
forward.  
  
"What is this obsession about kings who look like rock stars!" said Hilarity.  
  
"Search me!" said Jareth. 


	13. The Deal!

Chapter Thirteen - The Deal!  
  
A/N - OK this one's been a bit delayed. It's not easy to write in your revision breaks. Since I've gone so long without a review, I've had to resort to some suggested (Hilarity/Thomas) sexual content.  
  
The guard led our three heroes to the centre table and whispered something incoherent  
to the elaborate pirate who Hilarity had guessed must be said Pirate King. No matter  
how grave the situation was becoming she just couldn't take it seriously and the  
giggles were quickly accumulating. The Pirate King looked them up and down lazily.  
  
"So, you urgently need our help? Yargh." he said simply in the thickest of piratey  
accents.  
  
"Why are you from Yorkshire?" said Trin with confused.  
  
"Silence! Ye scurvy dog!" said the man angrily then turned to Hilarity and leered.  
"Argh! Ye be a fine lass! Why don't we ditch the weed and the mullet man and spend  
a romantic evening 'pon the shores o' foreign lands...pillaging every town we see."  
  
"Well, that's a lovely offer, it really is!" said Hilarity struggling to keep a straight face  
"But I'm seeing someone at the moment."  
  
"Oh! Terribly sorry, my dear. I meant no offence." said the Pirate King apologetically  
"So what can I do for you guys?"  
  
"Well, my world has been infested with pirates and my people have been forced into  
exile. We want you to go over there and win it back for us." said Jareth, anxious to get  
out of this stinking pit.  
  
"Arrgh! And what be in it for us?" said the Pirate King.  
  
"We will give you a handsome reward." said Hilarity.  
  
"Aye, I'm sure ye will, lass, I'm sure ye will. But the last time someone promised us a  
handsome reward we ended up with a male go-go dancer named Terry. Yargh! We  
need  
a bit more'n money in a special case like yours."  
  
"And what is that?" said Jareth dangerously.  
  
"Arrgh! It be merely an act o' good faith. One favour in exchange fer another...." said  
the Pirate King with an evil glint in his eye.  
  
"What kind of favour?" said Hilarity. This was quickly turning into one of the  
Godfather movies only with Pirates!  
  
"Well, when we needs something done we'll call you." came her reply....  
  
One Week Later  
  
"Wow! Those pirates really did a good job!" said Sarah happily as she and her family  
inspected the now spotless Goblin Castle they had returned to. Sadly, the goblins had  
also returned to their rightful home and in five seconds flat they had trashed the place  
again.  
  
"Yep! It's good to be back." said Jareth "Now I'm just going to go and fix that coral  
cave entrance and stop this from happening again. I think I'll change the code to 'If I  
were a rich man' from Fiddler on the Roof with a swanee whistle accompaniment."  
  
"You and your weird instruments." Sarah sighed "So how much did all this cost you?"  
she asked curiously. Jareth sighed, if there was on thing he couldn't do it was lying to  
his wife.  
  
Meanwhile on the planet Zea  
  
Hilarity and Thomas sighed blissfully as they woke up from the best night's sleep  
they'd ever had. It had been so hectic that week but now there were no goblin refugee  
camps, arguing married couples or manic fae toddlers to stress them out. The fresh  
morning light made the one way glass windows shine and the whole city glittered like  
diamonds surrounding an amethyst river. The vibrant green of the nearby rainforest  
only increased the glare and tiny silver sparks of distant space ships zipped across the  
horizon followed by the arrow-like formations of the city's famed blue flamingos who  
swirled in a death defying stunt show before settling upon the tepid, purple waters of  
the river. Thomas, being from a desert planet, still couldn't believe that much water  
existed in one place and who still get pretty excited when it rained. This was why  
Hilarity had grown to love thunder storms as their passions nearly always spiralled out  
of control in the extreme weather.  
  
"Shhh! Listen!" said Hilarity, feigning fear.  
  
"I don't hear anything! I should know, I've got sonic radar." said Thomas.  
  
"Exactly my point." said Hilarity gleefully and reached for the entertainment section  
of the Sunday newspaper. "Oooh look! There's an Andy Warhol exhibition at the  
Space-Time Gallery today. Want to go?"  
  
"I can think of better things to do." said Thomas suggestively.  
  
"Honestly Tom! It's only been a week." laughed Hilarity "Anyone would think I  
locked you up in a monastery for eight years the way you've been carrying on!" They  
kissed passionately.  
  
Back in the Labyrinth  
  
"YOU DID WHAT!!!!!!" shouted Sarah.  
  
"We agreed to do the pirates a favour in return for their services." said Jareth  
nervously "It was the only way! They made us an offer we couldn't understand!"  
  
"You're indebted to the Mob!!!"  
  
"Pirates, darling. They're Pirates."  
  
"I don't care what they are! These guys could be dangerous!"  
  
"Relax, Sarah! It can't be that bad. And if it is, I'll just unleash some seriously  
dangerous magics on them."  
  
"What kind of favour did they ask of you?"  
  
"They didn't say. They just said they'd let us know if we were needed...."  
  
Back on Zea  
  
"Er...Tom? Have you been eating kippers?" said a confused voice from the tangled  
depths of the bedsheets.  
  
"No! Why?" said Tom and poked his head out from under the covers.  
  
"Because someone's put a fish head in our bed!" said Hilarity.  
  
"That's weird! Who could have done that?" they both looked at each other with horror  
as it suddenly dawned on them.  
  
"THE PIRATE CALLING CARD!!!"  
  
A/N - OK there wasn't much sexual content in there but it did get your attention. Don't try to deny it! Ha ha! 


	14. Imprisonment, torture, death!

Chapter Fourteen - Imprisonment, torture, death!  
  
A/N - Hiya! Quickie today, I'm a bit snowed under with revision and family and stuff. There is an independant Hilarity story on fictionpress.com under the same name if you wish to read it. It's set when Hilarity and Trin are a lot younger, no Goblin Kings but I did throw in a misguided, alien Bowiecult called the Space Oddities!   
A big thank you to books mom and Clover the Sea Beast for your lovely reviews. You guys are great, thanks a lot!  
  
"Ah! Ye made it then." said the Pirate King happily when a slightly nervous looking  
Hilarity poked her head round the door to his office. "Where are the other? And who's  
that guy?!" he said indicating Thomas who had also entered the room.  
  
"Oh sorry! This is Tom, my other half. And I just called the Goblin King so he should  
be here in just a sec." said the young woman.  
  
"What about that wimpy looking boy ye was with before then, lass?"  
  
"Who? Trin? No offence your royal pirateness but Trin really isn't the kind of person  
you'd hire for criminal activities. Plus he's a squealer!" said Hilarity.  
  
"Fine, wha'ever! Just make sure ye tells him we'll be keepin' an eye on 'im!"  
  
"But you've only got one eye!" exclaimed Thomas.  
  
"Arrgh! It be a figure o' speech, Landlubber! The Pirate King looked Thomas up and  
down again with severe distaste. "That's yer boyfriend is it?"  
  
"Yes." said Hilarity.  
  
"And you'd rather be with him than with me?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"Yargh! Whatever be floatin' ye boat, lass! I honestly didn't expect ye to swing that  
way with other species an' the like. Ye looks so wholesome! The traditional Zean  
Rose type."  
  
"No. That's just because my dad's a horticulturist." Hilarity explained.  
  
"Oh! I see."  
  
Just then, the Goblin King appeared in a puff of blue smoke and glitter. To his horror,  
he noticed that he was only wearing a towel and a shower cap.  
  
"Oh bugger! You get in the shower and someone makes a wish. Bloody typical!" he  
said angrily and changed into his usual kingly regalia with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Don't worry, mate. Nothing we haven't seen before." laughed Hilarity, tears of mirth  
streaming down her face.  
  
"What do you mean "nothing we haven't seen before"?" said Jareth indignantly.  
  
"You were probably too drunk to remember, but I do have some incriminating  
evidence on camera which I will be saving so I can blackmail you later... Or, if I get  
bored, I'll just humiliate you with it for no particular reason." said Hilarity with an evil  
glint in her eye.  
  
"Some friend you are!"  
  
"Hey! We're employed by pirates. I was just trying to fit in." said Hilarity happily, this  
probably wasn't going to be so bad. "By the way, what is it you want us to do?" she  
said turning back to the Pirate King.  
  
"Yargh! Well, many years ago we buried some serious treasure at a secret location.  
Now the only map we 'ad for this location 'as been stolen by a rival pirate guild. Ye's  
'ave to get it back! No matter what the sur'umstances. Imprisonment...Torture...Death!  
  
"But what if we don't want to!" complained Hilarity, Jareth and Thomas in unison.  
  
"Imprisonment...Torture...DEATH!!" said the Pirate King angrily.  
  
"Oh." said Hilarity "So when do we start?" 


	15. Boris Again

Chapter Fifteen - Boris again  
  
And so. Stan set off again, ready to see all the world had to offer. Happy as a lark in  
spring. The witch however, was not one to admit defeat and she immediately rushed  
off to talk to the town's judge...  
  
"Oh! Hello there, my Lord Judge. I'm a nice old lady, right. And I have a heinous  
crime to report."  
  
"Phoar! Christ you smell bad! Are you a witch?!" said the judge suspiciously.  
  
"Oh no! No, no, no! Nothing like that! I just...fell in the canal!" said the witch.  
Smooth! "Anyway, I was out walking today, minding my own business when this  
horrid young man stole my purse full of gold and threw me in the thorn bush!"  
  
"Ah ha!" said the judge "A 'young' person! Yes, you look at any crime committed  
these days and there's usually a young person behind it. Don't worry. We'll soon  
apprehend this villain!"  
  
Meanwhile on Penzance  
"Um...Jareth? Don't mean to be rude, but isn't it about time you got out one of those  
crystal thingies and made with abracadabras?" whispered Hilarity.  
  
"Yargh! I don't recommends it, guys." said the Pirate King threateningly.  
  
"And why not?" said Jareth.  
  
"Well, there wouldn't be much of a story if ye did!" said the ageing rocker "But just in  
case you do, I've had me boys take yer family hostage. So no funny business. Arrgh!"  
  
"Damn it!" said the Goblin King.  
  
Hilarity, Thomas and Jareth had no idea what the hell they were getting themselves  
into but it wasn't good. They soon found themselves being led outside into the dirty  
streets of Penzance by the Pirate King and several of his guards. Suddenly a very  
dishevelled and angry little Goblin jumped out at them from a side alley.  
  
"Vherre de HELL didt you guys go?!? You just left me herre vith nothingk! I nearrly  
diedt, you utterr plastic wickerrs!" it shouted furiously.  
  
"What is THAT!?!" cried the Pirate King with a mixture of horror and disgust.  
  
"Oh that's just Boris." said Hilarity "Jareth's goblin butler."  
  
"Look at it. It's bloody disgustin'! Arrgh!"  
  
"Speak forr yourrself, vater vankerr!" said Boris indignantly "I happen to be a rright  
handt Goblin, andt I'm bloody fumingk!"  
  
"Well, I dunno what a vater vanker is! I don' speak Russian. Actually, I can' speak  
English very well eithers, but no one pisses off a Pirate King or there will be 'ell to  
pay! Yargh! I'll personally sees to it that ye be decapita'ed an' yer head becomes a  
gruesome bauble on me Christmas Tree!"  
  
"You andt vhat arrmy?" sneered the little goblin.  
  
"That one!" said the Pirate King and pointed to a large band of ugly, scarred, viscous  
looking pirates behind him. "Get 'im boys!" Boris froze, wide eyed in horror and could  
only whisper a small "eep" before he fled away down the narrow street with the  
pirates hot on his tail.  
  
"Thank God for that! All those accents were doing my head in!" said Hilarity as they  
continued there short journey. 


	16. Ole Sea Dog

Chapter Seventeen - Ole Sea Dog  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Ole Sea Dog he belongs to Ben Elton and is part of the  
Blackadder series on the BBC. Thank you.  
  
A/N - OK things are hotting up and very soon the plot will actually go somewhere.  
Thanks for reading and please leave a review.  
  
"Behold! The Scrumpy Jack!" said the Pirate King proudly as he indicated the  
mangled old ship that lurked at the end of the dock like an mange infested dog.  
  
"The what?" said the others in unison.  
  
"The Scrumpy Jack. That be the name of ye ship."   
  
"Hey! No one said there was going to be sailing!" cried Thomas, eyes wide with panic.  
  
"Hello! We're pirates. What be ye expectin', a nice little treasure hunt in the garden?"  
said the Pirate King.  
  
"It's just that I get really bad motion sickness." said Thomas "Don't say I didn't warn  
you!"  
  
The Pirate King casually led his three new employees below deck and indicated a  
grizzled old man who sat drinking heavily at a low table.  
  
"Now this 'ere be yer cap'n! Argh! We calls 'im the Ole Sea Dog." he explained. "Soon  
as ye get the map back ye comes straight to 'im an he'll take you to the island. Got it?"  
  
"Got it." said Hilarity and turned to the drunk pirate in the corner. "Hello Ole Sea  
Dog!" she said cheerfully.  
  
"I'm sure we'll be in safe hands." said Jareth, to convince himself more than anyone  
else. At his words the Ole Sea Dog jumped up and yanked one of the Goblin King's  
gloves off.  
  
"Argh! Ye has a woman's hands. I bet ye never been dragged along yon sea bed by a  
piece o' rope to stop ye ship from runnin' agroun' in yon coral reefs." he growled  
almost incoherently.  
  
"Uh...! Can't say that I have." said Jareth, visibly freaked out.  
  
"Don't be payin' any attention to 'im. He just 'ad a little too much rum today! Yargh!"  
said the Pirate King cheerfully and kicked the Ole Sea Dog on the peg leg causing him  
to lose his balance and fall over. "So anyways me hearties! Here be a list of suspects  
as to who might've stolen the map. I'll leave ye to it. But if ye should fail...?"  
  
"I know, I know! Imprisonment, torture, death. We get it!" said Hilarity angrily and  
snatched the list. How dare this jerk go off and leave them with a madman and a list  
of evil foes to battle!  
  
After the King had left, Hilarity, Jareth and Thomas eyed the list he had given them  
while their new companion sat back down in the corner and opened another bottle of  
rum.  
  
"So who's on the list?" asked Thomas nervously.  
  
"The Sorcerer, the Mikado and a woman of ill repute named Buttercup!" Hilarity read,  
eyebrows raised with confusion "It seems, my friends, that we have crossed the  
boundary from sanity into the unknown!" there was an eerie pause.  
  
Finally Jareth broke the silence. "Actually, Hils. We've been doing that ever since we  
first met!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" replied the alien girl "So we have! Damn it! I'd forget my head if it wasn't  
screwed on properly!"  
  
"Argh! Ye have a woman's head! I bet ye never had to nut a giant octopus into  
oblivion while simultaneously wrestling sharks with ye bare hands!" yelled the Ole  
Sea Dog.  
  
Hilarity eyed the old man for a second then shrugged and turned back to her friends. "I  
think we should split up and interrogate these characters individually so we can get  
this whole mess over with." And with that, our three heroes dispensed the necessary  
addresses and went their separate ways. 


	17. First Night Out

Chapter Eighteen - First Night Out  
  
A/N - This is a little idea I came up with concerning Hilarity and Jareth's early  
friendship. It's based mainly on an episode of Spaced.  
  
Jareth, Hilarity and Thomas left the bowels of the dirty little ship and split up, The  
Goblin King to the red light district and the two aliens towards the back lanes as both  
their suspects lived quite near one another.   
  
"Good luck!" shouted Hilarity over her shoulder to her old friend "And behave  
yourself! There'll be a lot of young ladies after your cash, among other things..."  
  
"I can control my urges, Hilarity! I'm not a mountain lion!" Jareth protested angrily.  
  
"That's not what Sarah told me!" said the alien girl cheekily then grabbed Thomas by  
the hand and rushed off before the Goblin King could catch them.  
  
After they turned a corner or two the couple began chatting and started to enjoy this  
pleasant romp through the ancient city. Soon they were reliving old memories and  
Hilarity began enthusiastically recounting the time when she and Jareth went to Tokyo  
and faked a Godzilla attack.  
  
"Hils, I've already heard this story!" Thomas protested.  
  
"Really? Oh well! Is there one you haven't heard?"  
  
"You've never told me about the first time you met outside the Labyrinth." said  
Thomas eagerly.   
  
"That's a bit of an embarrassing story, Tom!" said Hilarity uneasily. Thomas gave her  
a soulful puppy-dog expression and she finally gave in. "OK! I'll tell you. But only if  
you promise to tell me about that affair you had when you lived on Earth."  
  
!!!Flashback to a long long time ago!!!  
  
Friday Night 7:00pm  
Hilarity stirred the dark swirling contents of the saucepan. She was in the old  
apartment she used to rent during her college years. Trin was staying over that night  
and the stew she was making was supposed to keep them both nourished until he went  
home on Sunday. Just then, said cousin sauntered into the kitchen.  
  
"Right! How sexy am I?" he said.  
  
"Very." said Hilarity "The key thing is to not look like you've made much of an  
effort."  
  
"I'll change my shirt." said Trin after a long pause.  
  
"Where are you off to?" said Hilarity quizzically.  
  
"Got a hot date with Asha." said Trin and grinned.  
  
"Hmmm! Nice." said his cousin sceptically. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." she put  
the stew on to simmer and went to change into her smart casual gear.  
  
"So what are you doing tonight?" asked Trin from the living room.  
  
"Well Jareth's coming over and I thought I show him the best of the Zean night life."  
came his reply.  
  
"That creep who kidnapped you!"  
  
"The very same."  
  
"Why!?!"  
  
"Because he's probably very lonely and could do with a few friends." said Hilarity  
sternly and emerged from her room wearing her best red blouse and some dark jeans.  
  
"Whatever!" said Trin.  
  
7:30pm  
  
"So what do you want to do?" asked Hilarity as she and her new, slightly sinister  
companion walked down the street outside her block of flats.   
  
"Minicab?" said a little green alien taxi driver on the curb.  
  
"No thanks." said Hilarity.  
  
Jareth thought about the question for a minute then finally said "I think we could: go  
and see an experimental show by a hip young playwright (preferably with an obscene  
word in the title) then go to a progressive jazz club where we can discuss the play at  
length and have long conversations about the meaning of life while listening to an  
unusual array of stylophone music."  
  
"And I think I want to go home!" groaned Hilarity.  
  
"Well! Do you have any better ideas?" said the Goblin King haughtily.  
  
"Yeah actually. What we do is: take a train to the other side of town and find the  
cheapest underground indie bar, we smoke a fatty boom batty on the way so we're  
already nicely toasted before we order our first drink, hopefully we'll end up laughing  
like a couple of prats and talking utter gibberish, at which point we move on to the  
nearest pub with a cracking jukebox and continue drinking copiously until we a) fall  
over, b)puke or c)fall over and puke." she looked up triumphantly.  
  
"I like my idea better." said Jareth sulkily.  
  
"OK then we'll toss coins for it." said Hilarity.  
  
8:00pm - Round One  
  
The next time the coin was taken out, it was in the cheapest underground indie bar on  
the other side of town.  
  
"Right, we'll have two pints of cider." said Hilarity grinning crookedly at the barman.  
  
"And some crisps." said Jareth sleepily.  
  
"Yeah two packets of crisps."  
  
"And nuts!"  
  
"Yes. And nuts!"  
  
"Honey roasted!"  
  
"Hey! I'm ordering here!" cried Hilarity "I've forgotten what I was going to say now!  
Oh sod it! Two tequila slammers!"  
  
"YES!!!"  
  
8:30pm - Round Two  
  
Hilarity and Jareth sat at their table laughing like a couple of prats.  
  
9:00pm - Round Four  
  
Hilarity was frantically nodding while Jareth said  
"It'supsanddownsit'supsanddownsit'supsanddownwellnotliterallyupsanddownsIjustmeant  
itinthemetaphoricalsenseit'supsanddownsit'supsaddowns!!!"  
  
10:00pm - Round Eight  
  
"What did you want to be when you were a kid?" slurred Jareth.  
  
"Me? I wanted to be Monkey!" said Hilarity.  
  
"What? A monkey?"  
  
"NO! Monkey as in the Japanese TV show. As in "Oh no! Tripitaka I've got a  
headache!" Monkey." said Hilarity as if it was the most obvious thing in the world  
"How about you?"  
  
"I wanted to be Little Richard." said Jareth.  
  
Hilarity burst out laughing at this point and hit her head on the table while feeling an  
overwhelming urge to eat tonnes and tonnes of potato salad.  
  
!!!End of Flashback!!!  
  
"And that's all I remember!" explained Hilarity "The next thing I know, I've woken up  
in a prison cell cuddling an inflatable Michelin Man in women's clothes."  
  
"Wow!" said Thomas "That's one hell of a story!"  
  
By now they had reached the Sorcerer's shop so the two lovers kissed each other  
goodbye and Thomas carried on a little further to the home of the Mikado... 


	18. Sprites of Earth and Air

Chapter Nineteen - Sprites of Earth and Air  
  
()()()()()()  
  
A/N - Hooray for Gilbert and Sullivan and their unusual brand of Victorian silliness.  
As per usual, I own nothing!  
  
()()()()()()  
  
Hilarity looked up at the little shop in the middle of the tiny lane she was now  
standing in. Above the door was an old fashioned sign that read "J.W. Wells & Co.  
Family Sorcerers".  
  
"Neato!" she said happily and went inside.  
  
The bell on the door jingled slightly as it opened. Inside, the shop was filled to the  
brim with all kinds of mad herbs, stuffed animals and inventions. Before she had time  
to search the place a tall and skinny old man in a top hat and long flowing robes  
sprang up from behind the counter and made her jump out of her skin.  
  
"Oh! Jesus!!!" the girl shouted "Don't scare me like that! Who the hell are you  
anyway!"  
  
The skinny man bowed and started singing:  
  
"Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells,  
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,  
In blessings and curses  
And ever-filled purses,  
In prophecies, witches, and knells.  
If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"--  
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax--  
You've but to look in  
On the resident Djinn,  
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!"  
  
"You what now?" said Hilarity, slightly confused.  
  
"Welcome, my dear!" said Mr Wells "And who to I have the pleasure of addressing?"  
  
"Oh! Hi, I'm Hilarity Freak." said Hilarity, even more confused.  
  
"You are Hilarity Freak. That'll be a five Zean dollars or its equivalent in another  
currency please."  
  
"What for?" said Hilarity handing over the loot.  
  
"Why, for telling you who you are of course!" said the Sorcerer.  
  
"But I know who I am!"  
  
"Of course you know! I've just told you. Good day now."  
  
"Wait!" said Hilarity remembering what she was here for and desperately trying to  
distract the lunatic in front of her.   
  
"You require more of my services, young lady?" said the Sorcerer, eyes gleaming at  
the prospect of a new customer. "What do you wish?"  
  
"Erm...I...er...want you to change my physio..gan..emy!" Hilarity mumbled as she  
realised to her horror that she had no idea what Sorcerers actually did.  
  
"Ahhh!" said the Sorcerer gleefully "You want a new face! Not sure why, your present  
one is adequate! Still, I have just the thing for you." He skipped off into the back room  
of the shop and only his reedy voice could be heard singing as he mixed the  
ingredients of his potion.  
  
"Sprites of earth and air--  
Fiends of flame and fire--  
Demon souls,  
Come here in shoals,  
This dreaded drink inspire!  
Appear, appear, appear."  
  
Meanwhile, Hilarity sifted through all the tiny cupboards and drawers behind the  
counter.  
Mr Wells listened curiously to the mysterious shufflings in the next room, sighed and  
poured a deadly looking black liquid into the mixture before swanning out to the  
counter again. The strange girl looked slightly guilty but recovered well.  
  
"Now, drink this and all your worries will be over!" said Mr Wells happily.  
  
Hilarity took the drink from the skinny man, sniffed it curiously, pulled a face and  
poured it onto the bare floorboards where it burned a large hole.  
  
"Bah! Curses! Foiled! And by a common alien!" cried Mr Wells angrily.  
  
"Oi! I may an alien! But I resent being called common! I am a personal friend top the  
Goblin King!" said Hilarity.  
  
"Ha! A likely story!"  
  
"My credential!" said Hilarity and pulled out an old photo of her and Jareth at a pie  
eating contest.  
  
"Ah! Curses again!!!" shouted Mr Wells and forcefully escorted Hilarity to the door.  
  
"The Map, Mr Wells!" said Hilarity.  
  
"The Map what?"  
  
"The Map if you please!" she repeated.  
  
"Er... I haven't got it with me. It's in my other robe!" the Sorcerer panicked and tried to  
throw the roll of paper he was holding out the window while the girl wasn't looking,  
and failed. Hilarity made a dash for it outside only to see the map disappearing into a  
crowd of people in the basket of a young woman... 


	19. Ex Nursemaid

Chapter Twenty - Ex Nursemaid  
  
()()()()()()()()()()  
  
Jareth appeared in front of the tiny tavern that had been listed as one of his suspects  
usual haunts. It was aptly named 'the Buccaneer's Boozer'. He casually walked in and  
immediately found his culprit... as she was the only woman in the entire place. She  
was working behind the bar wearing a plain brown dress. She looked about thirty five,  
not beautiful but not unattractive either. The woman looked up and smiled kindly.  
  
"Good mornin' guv! What're you 'aving?"  
  
The Goblin King looked at the woman curiously. She seemed a little too friendly to be  
a map thief but then again in her supposed line of work she was supposed to be  
friendly.  
  
"Are you Buttercup?" he asked.  
  
"That I am, luv. But if you're after what I think you're after, I don't start work 'til after  
dark."  
  
"Actually I'm after some answers." said Jareth always maintaining his cool  
demeanour.  
  
"Answer cost money too, luv." said Buttercup sweetly but with a no nonsense edge to  
her voice.  
  
"Fine." said Jareth, thoroughly irritated and getting out his wallet and emptying its  
contents on the bar top (the wallet itself was a Father's Day present from Caradoc)  
"Tell me what you know about the Pirate King's map and I'll have a pint of Guinness  
while you're at it."  
  
Buttercup looked at the pile of cash greedily, shrugged and began to get the drink  
together. "I never stole no map!" she said angrily "Just because I works for the guild  
of ahem seamstresses doesn't mean that I'm automatically involved in all other types  
of illegal activity. I certainly don't steal!"  
  
"I never said you did."  
  
"I used to be a good law abiding citizen, y'know. I used to be nursemaid. Awful job  
but at least is was honest work."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I got sacked, didn't I. Just because I "accidentally" lost those two kiddies and they  
never came back. Not my fault at all!"  
  
"Yes. But what do you know about the map?"  
  
"Oh that! Sorcerer's got it. He's bin taunting the Pirate King for weeks now. I'll take ya  
to 'im if ya like."  
  
"If it's not too much trouble." said Jareth.  
  
"Not at all. I need to run some errands over that side of town anyway." said Buttercup  
cheerfully and picked up a large basket, probably meant for shopping, and led the  
startled Goblin King out into the street.  
  
It was a rather surreal experience trailing around the market square with a strange  
woman buying apples, but for some reason Jareth was rather enjoying himself. The  
crowded chaos of the market was very similar to the one in the Goblin City and the  
whole place had and ancient nostalgic feeling to it. Finally they came to a small  
building with the J.W. Wells sign above the door. Inside, Jareth could hear a muffled  
shouting and distinctly heard a familiar voice say:  
  
"Oi! I may an alien! But I resent being called common!" It was Hilarity! And she'd  
beaten him to it! Damn!  
  
"Well that's all the info I can give ya I'm afraid." said Buttercup. They both failed to  
notice the small scroll of parchment that someone had just thrown out the window that  
landed in her basket.  
  
"Well thanks anyway." said Jareth and the woman went on her way.  
  
Suddenly the door of the shop crashed open and a very dishevelled looking alien  
dashed out.  
  
"Hils! what's wrong?" said the Goblin King.  
  
"The map! That's Lady's got the map!"  
  
"No she doesn't. I checked."  
  
"No. The Sorcerer had the map but then he threw it out the window and it landed in  
that lady's basket and we have to get it now before we lose her!!!" cried Hilarity  
frantically.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"The Sorcerer had the map but then he threw it out the window and it landed in that  
lady's basket and we have to get it now before we lose her!!!" the alien girl said again,  
equally panicky and incoherent.  
  
"Breath, Hilarity. Breath."  
  
"The basket's in the map...I mean the map's in the basket. Get it! Get it! Get it!"  
Hilarity screamed and dragged Jareth in the direction of the crowd.  
  
The two friends raced through the tiny streets in hot pursuit of the map, knocking ten  
people over and destroying three stalls in the process. all the time they were heading  
closer to a dangerous cross-roads! And then it felt like two planets had crashed  
together!  
  
Later on the incident was reconstructed and it went something like this: Buttercup had  
already reached the cross-roads. Hilarity and Jareth were racing to catch up with her  
and were heading north. Boris the goblin was still being chased by angry pirates and  
was heading south. Thomas was rushing west with an angry Mikado hot on his trail.  
And an ice cream van was heading east. All parties were moving at the same speed  
and the collision was imminent. Bang! 


	20. A Wandering Minstrel I

Chapter Twenty One - A Wandering Minstrel I  
  
()()()()()()()()()()  
  
A/N - I had my last exam today. Yay! School is officially out...forever!!! cheers  
wildly  
  
Daemon Faerie Queen - Don't worry! Nobody dies in this story, they just get covered  
in raspberry sauce! Thanks for reviewing and have a nice day.  
  
()()()()()()()()()()  
  
Thomas felt like he had been running for hours now and the angry man who had later  
discovered to be the Mikado was showing no signs of tiring out. If anything he was  
thrashing that sword around with even more fervour. He had no idea what he had done  
wrong. It probably had something to do with him laughing at the man's hat. But was  
he really to blame if he saw a complete stranger with a stuffed turkey on his head.  
While he was thinking about his supposed offence, Thomas failed to keep his eyes on  
the road and ended up in a head on collision with a lady with a basket full of  
shopping, his girlfriend, a Goblin King, a horde of angry pirates, a terrified Goblin and  
an ice cream van. It was horrible, there were Soleros and stale flakes and raspberry sauce  
everywhere! What a waste!   
  
Everyone seemed to be in shock and didn't particularly pay any attention to him or the  
unrolled map that had fluttered down into his lap. After checking everything was in  
one piece he noticed the police rushing in their direction so he promptly legged it to  
the nearest side alley assuming the others would follow. They did not. Thomas sighed  
to himself. This was not good!  
  
()()()()()()()()()()  
  
"I can't believe we got arrested!" shouted Hilarity as she paced up and down the filthy  
little prison cell she and Jareth had been thrown into. "...I mean again!" she corrected  
herself.  
  
Jareth just sat in silence trying to get the rest of the ice cream out of his hair.  
  
"Well are you going to get us out of here then or are you going to sit on your arse all  
day?" she snapped at him angrily.  
  
"I can't the bars are made of iron, they're blocking my magic." came her reply.  
  
"Bugger!" cried Hilarity and sank down on the bench.  
  
"Have you got any conditioner, Hils?"  
  
"Sure, l'Oreal or Head and Shoulders?...." said Hilarity sarcastically "...of course I  
don't have any bloody conditioner!"  
  
"I was just asking on the off chance." Jareth protested "No need to get all moody on  
me!"  
  
"I'm sorry." the girl sighed "We were just so close and we buggered it up! And I'm  
cold! And that man chained to the wall's looking at me weird."  
  
"Was not!" protested the cell's third occupant.  
  
Jareth smiled and handed her his cloak to keep warm "Don't worry, pickle. I'm sure  
we'll get out of this eventually. And ignore the psycho chained to the wall."  
  
"Oi! I resent that!" said the man chained to the wall.  
  
"Quiet you!"  
  
"I'm chained to the bloody wall. It's not like I can turn around and face the opposite direction!"  
  
Their thoughts were rudely interrupted when someone banged a truncheon loudly  
against the bars of their cell.  
  
"You two!" bellowed the guard "You got bailed. You're free to go."  
  
"Result!" cried Hilarity happily. The two friends made their way outside into glaring  
sunshine. Hilarity was curious as to who bailed them out and prayed to Elvis that it  
wasn't that bloody Pirate King. A skinny red-headed figure rushed to greet them.  
  
"Tom!" she said, overjoyed and flung her arms around his neck. "God am I glad to see  
you! Thank you so much."   
  
"It was nothing." said Thomas and blushed and pulled out the treasure map from his  
pocket.  
  
Hilarity checked what it was and gasped with delight. The alien received another hug.  
  
"How did you get the money to bail us out?" asked Jareth.  
  
"I sold a kidney." said Thomas.  
  
"What!"  
  
"It's OK. I can survive with three."  
  
"Aww! You gave a kidney for me!" cried Hilarity "That's so sweet!"   
  
"Anything for you, Hils." said Thomas and started kissing her passionately.  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake! Get a room!" said Jareth.  
  
"You're just jealous because Tom fancies me and not you." said Hilarity and laughed.  
"Come on. Let's find some treasure!" 


	21. Riding the Waves

Chapter Twenty One – Riding the waves  
  
A/N - WARNING this chapter contains disgusting scenes. Sorry it's been so long but I've been on holiday and haven't had access to my computer in a while.  
  
The next few weeks would always be remembered by our heroes but never mentioned again out of sheer trauma and embarrassment. Therefore it is hard for historians of this story to find out exactly what happened or in what order. But we think it went a bit like this…  
  
Thomas and his two recently bailed out friends approached the ship with caution as it didn't look all that safe. Boris had been following them all the while like a lost puppy and they eventually let him on board but with a lot of protest.  
  
The little red-haired alien sighed to himself. It was not going to be n easy ride.  
  
Then came the whole captain problem. They all knew very well that the Ole Sea Dog was totally barmy and probably shouldn't be trusted on the ocean. They were proved to be correct all too soon.  
  
"Um…Forgive my rudeness. But aren't ships supposed to have crews?" asked Hilarity when she noticed that the ship was devoid of all life except for herself, her companions and that grizzled old man she was faced with.  
  
"Crews?" said the Ole Sea Dog.  
  
"Yeah. You know crews. Men with eye patches and peg legs and stuff…" the girl replied biting back her annoyance.  
  
"Arrgh! Ye have a woman's legs. I bet ye never 'ad to cut one off 'cause it was lodged in the digestive system of a giant clam!" cried the Ole Sea Dog.  
  
"No! And in case you haven't noticed I AM A WOMAN!!!" Hilarity shouted.  
  
"So, you're basically telling us that you don't have a crew." said Jareth trying to rationalise the situation (and failing)  
  
"Arrgh…no." said Sea Dog sheepishly.  
  
"Can you even sail this thing?"  
  
"Course I can sail! This baby's seen all seventeen wonders o'the pirate world!" the Sea Dog protested. "So don' waltz in 'ere with ye tight trousers and ye Tina Turner haircut an' tells me I can't sail!"  
  
!!!Three weeks later!!!  
  
Thomas stood on deck leaning over the side feeling seriously ill. It was rough seas again. But it had been rough seas every day for the past week. It just wasn't very good for his system. His species was not supposed to move around so much, it was very disorientating. Why couldn't they just take the space ship? Even using magic was better than this! He was sick again. Bugger.  
Hilarity had always taken care of his motion sickness. She was probably the only one who did. They always took the stairs to her flat instead of that infernal elevator. And she would always drive slowly, even if it made them late. A small gesture but a deeply appreciated one.  
  
"Well, what have we here…" said a smug voice from behind him.  
  
"B'ger off!" he stuttered through retching.  
  
"Only trying to help!" said Jareth innocently. Thomas had never liked him much. He had a cruel sense of humour when Hilarity wasn't around and he was usually the butt of the joke.  
  
"I'll be fine!" Thomas muttered.  
  
"Here. Try this." Said Jareth and handed him a small bottle of green liquid.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Ocean Motion Potion. It's very good for sea sickness."  
  
Thomas considered it. It was probably a trick but at this point he didn't care. He grabbed the bottle and drank its entire contents before being sick again over the side even more violently that before.  
  
"Oh dear!" chuckled Jareth evilly "That must've been my bottle of wasabi sauce. Terribly sorry, Tom."  
  
"You!!!..." shouted Thomas angrily but was cut off as the boat lurched again sending his stomach into even more turmoil.  
  
!!!Three Months Later!!!  
  
"Are you sure this is the way?" said Hilarity.  
  
"Oh! Aye!" said the Sea Dog happily "Don't ye just love the sea air?"  
  
"Not really. We haven seen land for three months. We're running out of water!"  
  
"There be plenty o' water, lassy! What goes in must come out, know what I mean?"  
  
"That's disgusting!!"  
  
"Oh come on! I been doin' it since I were a nipper an' I turned out all right!"  
  
"Well that certainly explains a few things." Said Hilarity and pulled a face "You cant drink your own water, it's very unhygienic and it makes me sick to my stomach!"  
  
"Arrgh! Ye haves a woman's stomach. I bet ye never had it used as a home for a family o'tape worms!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!"  
  
Two months later and there was still no land in sight. Worse still, the rum supply was running out!  
  
"You can't sail, can you?" said Jareth to Sea Dog eventually.  
  
"Arrgh……..no." the old pirate confessed "I usually just sail around in circles until everyone gets dizzy then go home. But…"  
  
"But what?"  
  
"I forgot which way's home."  
  
!!!One Week Later!!!  
  
The three travellers sat below deck staring dejectedly at a line of empty bottles.  
  
"Well, that's the last of the rum!" said Hilarity miserably. "We're really doomed now. Can't you zap in a bottle of Evian, Jareth."  
  
"Ah!"  
  
"Whaddya mean, ah!"  
  
"Ah! As in ah I can't use magic while crossing water."  
  
"Oh Christ! I thought that was vampires. What do we do now?"  
  
"We could drink our own urine, I suppose."  
  
!!!Five Minutes Later!!!  
  
"A toast! To the most horrible thing I've ever done!" said Jareth.  
  
"Cheers!" said the others reluctantly.  
  
"Shouldn't we wait for Sea Dog?" asked Thomas hopefully.  
  
"No, he's been doing it for weeks now." Said Hilarity "Says he likes it."  
  
"Well, here goes!" said Jareth.  
  
The three bottles were raised slowly…  
  
"LAND HO!!!" came an echoing roar above them.  
  
Three bottles crashed back down to the table as fast as lightening.  
  
"Thank the bloody Lord!" cried Hilarity breathlessly. 


	22. Abandon Ship!

Chapter Twenty Two - Abandon Ship!  
  
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Deamon Faerie Queen - Hey, thanks for the Tina Turner compliment. It occurred to  
me while I was watching VH1 classic.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
Jareth, Hilarity and Thomas emerged bleary eyed from below deck. The weather had  
taken a turn for the worse and the sky was pitch black with storm clouds even though  
it was only lunchtime but the island was still visible in the distance. Boris was busy  
mopping the deck while Sea Dog babbled exited nonsense from the crowsnest.  
  
"Dobri den, your Majesty." said Boris happily then nodded to Hilarity and Thomas  
with considerably less enthusiasm. "Ve haf foundt ze Islandt, da? Ve vill disembark  
soon?"  
  
"Looks like it." said Jareth "And it's about time to. I need a bath and a Martini,  
preferably at the same time..." He was cut short by a loud thunderclap and raindrops  
the size of golf balls began to pelt down.  
  
"It's alvays ze vay." said Boris "You mop ze floor andt zhen it starts to rain."  
  
"This doesn't look encouraging." said Hilarity as the ocean became steadily rougher  
and they sailed directly under the storm.  
  
"Oh God! I don't feel so good." said Thomas miserably as the nausea hit once again...  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
"I do not drink Martinis in the bath!" said an all too familiar voice.  
  
Lily jumped with fright and fell off her chair with a comical thud.  
  
"You turned my cat green!!" she cried as she struggled to her feet. "I fed her those  
liquorice allsorts you left and she turned green!"  
  
"Really? Damn, they were meant for you." said the Goblin King.  
  
"Have you been reading over my shoulder all this time?"  
  
"Of course. And I object to you writing that I drink Martinis in the bath!"  
  
"Well, what do you drink then?" Lily asked.  
  
"Duty free Grappe."  
  
"Hey that's even better! Thanks mate!" said Lily and began to type furiously.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
"Dobri den, your Majesty." said Boris happily then nodded to Hilarity and Thomas  
with considerably less enthusiasm. "Ve haf foundt ze Islandt, da? Ve vill disembark  
soon?"  
  
"Looks like it." said Jareth "And it's about time to. I need a bath and some duty free  
Grappe, preferably at the same time..." He was cut short by a loud thunderclap and  
raindrops the size of golf balls began to pelt down.  
  
"It's alvays ze vay." said Boris "You mop ze floor andt zhen it starts to rain."  
  
"This doesn't look encouraging." said Hilarity as the ocean became steadily rougher  
and they sailed directly under the storm.  
  
"Oh God! I don't feel so good." said Thomas miserably as the nausea hit once again  
and they were all thrown to the other end of the ship when as it cut through a  
particularly nasty wave. Then there was another loud crash. Closer this time and with  
a terrifying similarity to smashing wood.  
  
"VHAT VAS THAT?!?" screamed Boris blind with panic and salty water.  
  
"I think we hit something." said Thomas and threw up in the Goblin's mopping  
bucket.  
  
"Vayda go Einstein, or should I say Newton." said Boris sarcastically "Zanks for  
statingk ze bloody obvious."  
  
"Will you shut up!" Jareth yelled at his tiny subject. He was about to rant for a bit  
longer but then realised that no one was listening. Instead they were all staring up at  
the crowsnest where the Ole Sea Dog was just in time to see a large lightening bolt  
strike it and send the mast crashing down and smashing a gaping hole in the deck. All  
that was left of the old Pirate was a piece of charred peg leg that Hilarity saw roll into  
the sea as the ship was hit by another titan of a wave and capsized into the freezing  
waters...  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
A/N - Dun Dun DUN! Is this the end of our heroes? Have they been lost at sea forever?   
Find out....when I get round to writing it. 


	23. Marooned

Chapter Twenty Three - Marooned  
  
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A/N - I know it's been a while. Sorry guys. This is a good chappie though. I have worked   
hard.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
Hilarity woke up, only to find a blinding pain in her side, and a blinding light from the  
world beyond her eyelids. the various memories flooded back as fast as the briny  
waves had flooded the ship. The mysterious crash, the storm, their only guide getting  
struck by lightening. The pain was sharp and insistent and seemed to be coming from  
one of her thirty seven ribs (Zean anatomy is slightly different from human anatomy  
including a larger rib cage, taller cranium and two separate elbow joints on each arm).  
She struggled to her feet and looked around. She was on a thin stretch of golden beach  
sandwiched between vast expanses of aquamarine and forest. Several jagged rocks  
penetrated the ocean's surface about half a mile off shore which appeared to be the  
cause of the recent shipwreck. The morning sun blazed down cheerfully upon the  
damp sand and glittered of the various bits of wreckage washed in by the tide...  
  
The others! What had happened to them? What if they drowned?!! Panic swelled up  
inside the young alien and she started to break into a run. Or she would've done if she  
hadn't tripped over something. What in the universe was it? It was small and bony  
and...moving?!? Hilarity's heart almost stopped as she moved in for a closer look.  
There, lying semiconscious on the sand was a strange creature with a striking physical  
resemblance to Thomas. Except that this being had no hair and one of his contact  
lenses had fallen out revealing a pale reptilian eye as opposed to its usual greyish blue.  
It had to be him! All the way through the accident he had never let go of her hand.  
They must've been washed up together.  
  
"Tom? Is that you?" Hilarity managed in a shocked whisper.  
  
The creature stirred and sat up slowly. The other contact lens fell out dropped onto the  
sand like a tiny jewel. Tom realised the game was up and that he had been caught  
without his human disguise. He let out a frightened little yelp that sounded like "Hils!"  
  
"So that's what you really look like." said Hilarity thoughtfully.  
  
Thomas looked confused "You knew?!"  
  
"Course I knew! I'm not stupid. you can't live with someone for seven years and not  
know that they're really freaky looking and have to wear a humanoid disguise." said  
the Zean defensively.  
  
"But...how?"  
  
"I found your spare wig in your sock drawer."  
  
"Oh." said Thomas feeling slightly ashamed of himself. "So it doesn't bother you?"  
  
"Not at all. I'm a bit upset that you felt you had to hide it from me. Why didn't you tell  
me?"  
  
"Oh I don't know." said Thomas sadly "It probably had something to do with the fact  
that the last time I showed my true form to my girlfriend she refused to sleep with me  
any more..."  
  
"Well I guess that is a good reason to not tell me..." Hilarity began to say.  
  
"...And then she turned me in to the Earth government and I got experimented on for  
ten years..."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"...And then she married one of the scientists who caught me."  
  
"Jesus Christ, Tom! You are one unlucky bugger!" exclaimed Hilarity.  
  
"Are you sure it doesn't bother you?" said Thomas.  
  
"Of course I'm sure. Looks aren't important. What's important is that we're alive and  
we're together." said Hilarity earnestly. "Now have you seen the others?"  
  
"Not since the ship capsized." said Thomas. "I saved the map though but it's a bit  
soggy."  
  
"Well that's all well and good, but I don't think we need it anymore if we're stuck here  
indefinitely." said Hilarity.  
  
"I can think of worse places to be stuck in." said Thomas and smiled wanly. "Actually  
I think this place is quite romantic, don't you?"  
  
"Not now, Tom, I've got a broken rib." said Hilarity "And we need to search the  
island first and see if we can find the others."  
  
"OK fine. But the I think you're taking the headache excuse a bit too far." Tom sighed  
disappointedly and got up to follow her as she walked along the beach, protectively  
holding her injured side... 


	24. Never leave a man behind

Chapter Twenty Four - Never leave a man behind.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
A/N - Don't ask. This is basically a filler chapter. I will explain later.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
Disclaimer - Don't own it. Oh, and I stole a gag from Black Books. Again don't own it.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
The two aliens walked aimlessly around the island for two hours and to their bitter disappointment they found that Boris the Goblin was still alive and sitting on a rock on the beach. They continued to walk hoping that he hadn't seen them but fortune was not on their side that day... (Well of course it wasn't. Their ship sank and their captain struck by lightening. If you ask my opinion they were probably the butt of one of fortunes very cruel jokes.)  
  
"Hey! You guys!" shouted the little Goblin happily. "It is I, Boris."  
  
"Er... Yeah. Hi." said Hilarity. "Er... listen, have you seen Jareth anywhere. It's just kind of vital that we fine him if we're going to get off this island."  
  
"Ahh!" said Boris enthusiastically but then his eyes fell "Nyet."  
  
"Bugger!" said Hilarity and kept on walking even though her side was getting seriously painful now. "We may as well carry on then."  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
Jareth woke up feeling incredibly dehydrated but otherwise fine. His magic had obviously kicked in as soon as he reached dry land and had repaired most of the damage from the shipwreck. He looked around but there was no sign of the others anywhere and being the natural pessimist that he was he assumed they had all drowned. It was a shame. He would miss them. Well...not Boris obviously, he was a pain in the arse.  
And not Thomas because he secretly weirded him out and, truth be told, Jareth had good reason to suspect that he wore a wig.  
  
But he would definitely miss Hilarity. She was his best friend...well, only friend. Eight years previously she had crash landed into his life, literally. The she had somehow managed to get him drunk, gradually work him out of all his psychological crap and shove him back into the outside world.  
  
To tell the truth, seeing as no one was around, he had been bloody terrified when they used to meet up on her home planet. Everything was new and unfamiliar to him.  
Especially when he got mugged by a bunch of scary looking aliens who were miraculously magic resistant. Yet another reason why he owed Hilarity so much...  
  
!!!Flashback!!!  
  
The gang of sinister green, skinhead creatures closed in angrily when they discovered that the Goblin King had nothing valuable on him and were even more enraged when he pulled out a weird crystal orb thingy and threw it at them. The glowing spheres just bounced of them and shattered on the ground.  
  
"Look couldn't I just send you a check in the morning!" he stuttered nervously. He tried to transport himself somewhere but sadly realised that that wasn't working either.  
  
"I don' think so!" growled one of the muggers.  
  
Hilarity, who all this time had been buying some kebabs at a nearby kiosk, quickly looked round and understood exactly what was going on. Those creatures were Mizarese immigrants and had an exceptional ability to scramble all kinds of energy and radiation. Logically this must include magic as well, even if she wasn't sure about what magic actually was. That could only mean...that Jareth was toast if she didn't do something quick!  
  
The tall blue haired girl sauntered up to the attackers and tapped one of them on the shoulder as they were about to punch. He turned around angrily but she grinned back at him sweetly, but mentally screaming at herself to leave that crazy-haired weirdo and run.  
  
"Which one of you bitches wants to dance?" she said happily. The rest of the group turned around. Hilarity continued "Look, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? When you're having, y'know, a usual threesome in the evening and the moonlight's reflecting of your bald heads and your arses, does it get a tad confusing?"  
Damn it the were turning a bit menacing but she still continued. "Hey, I've just thought of a great impression of you!" she danced around in an elaborate ballet style singing "Tra la la la la!" Then quickly broke into a run as the gang made a dash for her, fists at he ready...  
  
!!!End Flashback!!!  
  
Yep, by distracting the muggers, Hilarity had let him retrieve his powers and transport them to safety. Jareth sighed to himself. She was one crazy nutjob though.  
  
It was then that he noticed that he was lying on some sort of artificial decking which led from the sea up to a rather nice house beyond a group of palm trees.... Wherever he was, he was not alone.  
  
()()()()()()()()()  
  
"Hils, we've been walking for hours. And you really need to take it easy with that rib."  
said Thomas worriedly.  
  
"Da! Let's face it. There is no chance of findink him." said Boris.  
  
"No." cried Hilarity. "We have to keep trying. I used to belong to the Space Cadets and they taught me to never leave a man behind!"  
  
"But, Jareth's a Goblin King." said Thomas.  
  
"Or a Goblin King."  
  
"And you were thrown out of the Space Cadets because of your problems with authority." Thomas continued, not noticing that his girlfriends attention was elsewhere.  
  
Hilarity was staring at what could only be described as a summer mansion that was facing the beach. Something you were likely to find in Barbados. The lights were on and the group quickly approached it with the hope of getting some help and a good stiff drink.  
  
And so she received the shock of her life when a slightly refreshed looking Goblin King opened the door... 


	25. Farmyard of Wine

Chapter Twenty Five - Farmyard of Wine  
  
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Disclaimer - Checks copyright Nope not mine.  
  
A/N - WARNING! This chapter contains scenes of extreme drunkenness and stupidity....again.  
  
(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())  
  
The two friends stared at each other in shock for a few minutes before speaking.  
Hilarity was seething with anger at this point. There she was, desperately searching for her friend all night imagining the most horrible situations possible and here he was in some rich guy's holiday home enjoying himself. On top of that was an overwhelming and therefore slightly confusing feeling of relief that the jammy bugger had actually pulled through and she didn't have to worry anymore.  
  
"Hils!!" cried the Goblin King, betraying similar feelings of relief.  
  
"Jareth!!" the girl replied. "You're alive!!"  
  
"You're alive!!" exclaimed Jareth "I though you were dead!"  
  
The look of confusion on the alien girl's face was soon replace by a gigantic grin. "I thought YOU were dead!"  
  
"It takes more than a shipwreck to kill a Goblin King. You should know that by now!"  
  
"Zis Rocks! Vhy don't ve square dance to celebrate." cried Boris excitedly.  
  
"Er...NO!" the other three said in unison.  
  
"Just tryingk to join in!" the little goblin complained. There was another long silence.  
  
"Anyway, come inside! You won't believe how swishy this place is." Jareth encouraged and led Hilarity and Thomas into to house's main hall and absent mindedly slammed the door in Boris's face. However big the place had seemed from the outside it looked even bigger from the inside. Hilarity wondered if it might've been a decommissioned TARDIS and if so how much it had set the owner back. Those things were seriously valuable now.  
  
"Wow! Swishy indeed." she said as she admired the owner's large collection of large Ming vases lined up against the wall.  
  
"I was thinking of getting a second home." Jareth continued "Somewhere nice. The Bahamas perhaps." This was met with a few mumbled noises of approval that nicely compliment the colossal amount of Goblin cuss words coming from outside.  
  
"We can't stay here!" Thomas cried out suddenly.  
  
"Well it's only for the night, Tom." said Hilarity.  
  
"Yeah. But, we're still trespassing on someone's private property! It's just not right and I don't feel comfortable about squatting in someone else's house when we're not invited." the now completely bald alien said nervously.  
  
"There's a huge wine cellar." said Jareth temptingly.  
  
"I'll just have to settle for being uncomfortable then." said Thomas, quick as a flash.  
He felt slightly ashamed that he'd been talked into it so easily and that he was about to throw away a whole year's worth of teetotalism at the drop of a hat. He couldn't believe he had sunk so low as...well Hilarity and Jareth's level. But sometimes it was nice to forget about responsibilities and just join in with the hellraising.  
  
(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())  
  
Four hours and a good rib healing later, the trio had worked their way through six beers and three bottles of really really expensive wine. To say they were sloshed would be a gross understatement. Thomas had fallen asleep at the table as he usually did and this had earned him the title of "most non-threatening drunk in the universe". His year of being clean had also made the alcohol's effects a lot stronger than he had remembered and to his horror he realised that he just couldn't take the stuff like he used to. Hilarity and Jareth, however, were very well practised in these sorts of pastimes and were still going strong as they moved on to bottle number five of dry white chardonnay. Hilarity was having trouble remembering where her mouth was and Jareth had (for some obscure reason) tied his unruly mop into pigtails....  
  
"Ya know. When you, like, put this on the back of your throat it's like....drinking....a really good glass of wine." said Jareth, slurring his words a bit.  
  
"Yeah! It's like...a farmyard....of wine." said Hilarity and tried to take another sip but ended up pouring most of it down her sweater.  
  
"Look at the colours!" mumbled Jareth happily and swirled the amber liquid around in his glass "All of the colours. Well...yellow." he said after closer inspection. "It's like looking into the eye...of....a duck!"  
  
"Yeah, exactly! And drinking it is like sucking all the liquid from his beak!" said Hilarity. The conversation continued like this for some time until it made even less sense than before.  
  
"So then I went to see this polar bear in his polar lair a found out that he had a terrible vulnerability to oranges!" Jareth rambled on.  
  
"Oranges! But that's unfeasible!" said Hilarity with mock horror.  
  
"Indeed. So I pelted him with citrus fruit and got my umbrella back!"  
  
"Yay!!"  
  
(())(())30 minutes later(())(())  
  
Thomas had woken up and was feeling extremely cranky while his friends continued to play the "guess who I'm doing a really shitty impression of" game.  
  
"OK OK OK! Who am I?" said Hilarity excitedly holding a large cigar up and making a peace sign.  
  
"That's easy. You're Winston Churchill." said the Goblin King smugly.  
  
"Damn it!!!"  
  
"Now, who am I?" said Jareth and began dancing in an eighties fashion.  
  
"Er.......David Bowie?"  
  
"No! Stop saying that!"  
  
"ZZ Top?" Thomas suggested  
  
"Ewww!"  
  
"Simon le Bon!" cried Hilarity  
  
"Got it!"  
  
"YAY!!"  
  
(())(())One Hour Later(())(())  
  
By now the trio were lying in a heap on the floor after a raucous kareoke session. The rug was made from a dead Ocelot which would have disgusted Hilarity if she had been sober but sadly this was not the case.  
  
"You guys!" she began "You guys are the greatest... I mean you Rock! Let's face it.  
You're like the best friends a trendy alien urbanite could have. And even though parts of your anatomies confuse and disturb me, I still love you." she turned to the motionless Ocelot head "And I love you too. I don't know you but you're a good mate." It was then that she realised that everyone had fallen asleep....


	26. The Fabulous Labyrinth Competition!

Chapter Twenty Six - The Fabulous Labyrinth Competition!  
  
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A/N - OK. Here's the deal. If you can guess how many David Bowie references (not including Labyrinth) I've put in this story up to this chapter, I will add you or a character of your choice in one of the later chapters. Answer me by review or e-mail please, along with any of your own ideas.  
  
Thank you and good luck. Oddity Incarnate.  
  
(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())  
  
"Yargh! What the hell do they thinks they're doing?" said the Pirate King angrily as he watched our heroes sleep peacefully on the plasma screen in his office (alien pirates tended to move with the times). He had bugged that Goblin creature with a hidden camera so he could monitor their progress and he was in no way pleased.  
  
"You obviously don't know that lot very well." said Sarah "They can detect all alcoholic beverages within a hundred mile radius." Sarah and Caradoc had been held hostage by the pirates for about four months now. Initially she was furious at the prospect but later came to realise that it was all Jareth's fault and she would just have to wait until he got back so she could beat him up and throw him out of the castle. The prospect made her fell marginally better and after the first few weeks she and the Pirate King had become quite close friends. He smoked like a chimney but had a great sense of humour and was an excellent guitarist.  
  
"I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't my 'oliday 'ome they was atrashing!" said the Pirate King. "And the fact that they seem to 'ave completely forgotten about my treasure."  
  
"Well you see, Jareth has a really short attention span." Sarah explained while flicking through the other channels on the T.V. "It all began in the early seventies when he was taking copious amounts of...Oooh look! Wrestling." The story was left untold.  
  
They watched the GWF (galactic wrestling federation) championships for a while until the Pirate King sighed and switched it off.  
  
"Yargh! It all be fixed." he grumbled. "Ye'd think that with over a hundred million channels there be somethin' vaguely watchable."  
  
"Too right." said Sarah "I mean ninety nine million of them are religious networks for a start and the rest are either cheap, nasty, repeated or deadly boring."  
  
The Pirate King nodded in agreement. He had no idea Earthlings could be so...down to Earth! Well that didn't make any sense but you get the point. Anyway he found that Sarah was wonderful company, for a hostage and her son was just delightful, if not a little dangerous. No need to take a paternity test there! Suddenly a glimmering little idea flashed across his rum laden brain and a wicked grin appeared on his face revealing a lot of gold teeth.  
  
"Sarah. I gots an idea!"  
  
"I told you! No!"  
  
"No not that sort o' idea!" the Pirate King protested. "We could sell all this hidden camera footage to one o' the T.V. companies. We could make a fortune!"  
  
"I don't think people would want to watch my husband and his friends make fools of themselves." said Sarah sceptically.  
  
"That be exactly what people want to watch!" came her reply. "Jareth and that hot Zean lass could be the next big thing, the new Wayne and Garth."  
  
"What?"  
  
"They've got the partying attitude, the comic antics and gravity defying hair straight out of Yu-Gi-Oh! It just leaks hit potential! And I'll share the profits equally with ye,  
sixty/forty." said the Pirate King excitedly.  
  
Sarah considered this. She had no need for money but the opportunity of humiliating Jareth on national television was just to good to turn down. She smiled evilly.  
  
"All right Mr Pirate King. You just got yourself a deal."  
  
(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())  
  
A/N - I just gave Sarah a chapter of her own as she was feeling a little left out.  
Whoops, sorry. Hope you enjoyed it and please leave a review.  
  
P.S - Big thanks once again to Daemon Faerie Queen. Phew! For a moment there I thought I'd gone too far with the weird stuff. 


	27. Hangover Heaven

Chapter Twenty Seven - Hangover Heaven

* * *

Hilarity woke up, only to find herself lying on a carpet with someone else lying across her legs and another person next to her. And as it happened she spent a few blissful seconds wondering who the hell they were before the tremendous hangover set in!!  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" her scream echoed across the entire Island.  
  
"Wot? WheramI? I don't wanna go to school!" Thomas mumbled inaudibly as he woke up then emitted a similar scream for the very same reason.  
  
"Well well, if it isn't the hung-over heartbreakers." said Jareth smugly and stood up "Are you finished screaming yet? Cause it's breakfast time and I'm in the mood for a nice big fry up." the two aliens groaned loudly "You know, really fatty sausages wit bits of gristle in them and fried eggs that aren't quite cooked with the wobbly white bits" another groan "all congealing together with mushrooms on the side..."  
  
"You BASTARD!!!!" screamed Hilarity and quickly covered her mouth and raced Thomas to the nearest toilette....  
  
"Feeling better?" the goblin King asked evilly when Hilarity came downstairs half an hour later looking considerably crap.  
  
"You know, this is why I don't like it when you stay round my house, Jareth!" she snarled. "And after all the fuss you made when you had a hangover!"  
  
"Yeah but I don't have one now. That means I can torture you again."  
  
"You've still got you're hair in pigtails though!" Hilarity laughed, relishing the small victory. "I doubt that school girls are very good at torturing."  
  
"Oh crap!!!" said Jareth angrily as he tried to undo the unfortunate hairstyle he had acquired the night before. "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"  
  
Just then Thomas shuffled downstairs looking even more worse for wear than he usually did.  
  
"Oh Tom! I'm so sorry, you fell off the wagon! I completely forgot!" cried Hilarity.  
  
"Never mind. I'll just have to try harder next time." the dishevelled alien replied. "So are we going to go on this treasure hunt or what?" and he pulled a rather crumpled map from his trouser pocket.  
  
"Oh yeah! That old thing!" said Jareth.  
  
"Christ! I'd almost forgotten about that as well." said Hilarity "Well, we have been at sea for the past four months, you lose track of things."  
  
"Anyway, we better tidy up and get out of here before the owner gets back." said Thomas.  
  
"You know what I'm seriously not in the mood for treasure hunting right now." said Hilarity, massaging her throbbing temples.  
  
"Oh come on! The Island's not that big. How hard could it be?" said Jareth....

* * *

"How hard can it be! HOW HARD CAN IT BE?!!" Hilarity shouted angrily from somewhere in the undergrowth. "It's bloody impossible! That's how hard it is!!!" they had been lost in the jungle for most of the day and were still no closer to their destination. To make matters even worse, Boris insisted on following them.  
  
"OK! So I underestimated this place." said Jareth defensively "Hmmm.... Maybe I could put a forest bit in my Labyrinth...."  
  
"You've already got one!"  
  
"Oh yeah! I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on, must be the humidity." said the Goblin King "Now according to the map.... this part of the Island doesn't exist!"  
  
"Well that's a lot of help, isn't it?" said Hilarity sarcastically.  
  
"The map's got to be at least three hundred years old, you can't expect it to be that accurate." Jareth argued. "And what's wrong with that stupid Goblin?"  
  
"I think I haf been bitten by somethingk!" said Boris who was now shivering even though it was nearly forty degrees. "And now it seems I haf some sort of horrible disease!"  
  
"Oh damn it!" Hilarity swore "Well, I'm sure if we press on we'll find a cure for it."  
  
/Is this the end for our heroes? Are they doomed to be lost in the forest for all eternity? Will Boris survive his new case of Jungle Flu? Will Thomas manage to stay on the wagon? Will Hilarity's hangover ever end? Will they realise that they are now the stars of the galaxy's favourite new reality TV show?! Find out soon/  
  
"Oi! Who are you?" said Hilarity.  
  
/Ooops! Gotta go!/ 


	28. Soaps and Seminars

Chapter Twenty Eight - Soaps and Seminars  
  
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A/N - I finally got my GCSE results last Thursday! Woo! Five As, four A's and two C's. I also enrolled at college yesterday. Nerve-racking eh? This is another filler chapter cause I'm really really stuck at the moment.  
  
P.S. If you like kitchen sink sci-fi then feel free to read my new Village of the Damned fic.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Lily got home after a long hour of courses, questionnaires and financial stuff. Nobody was in and the only clue to her parents whereabouts was a scribbled note on the fridge about her aunty Rose and some weird episode or another. She sighed, alone again.  
  
The only thing that seemed out of place was a packet of fruit pastilles on the dinning room table.  
  
"Aww! Thanks dad." Lily said to herself before tearing of the paper and foil and picked an orange sugar coated sweet from the colourful selection. She failed to notice that it was slightly pinker than usual before she put it in her mouth.  
  
"That's weird! It doesn't taste like orange." she mused. "I know the lemon flavour got replaced by pineapple but this one taste a bit like....peaches!!!" by then she was feeling quite sleepy and nauseous "Ooops! Down I go!" she mumbled and then collapsed to the floor.  
  
She woke up some time later on a pile of straw in the castle throne room, surrounded by Goblins! "Oh bollocks!" she shouted and quickly stood up only to be face with a highly amused Goblin King.  
  
"Temper temper." he baited.  
  
"Whacha do that for!?!"  
  
"We have many things to discuss about your latest story, miss Mitchell." said Jareth.  
  
"Well, you could've called me like normal people!" cried Lily and brushed some crystalline bits of sugar off her jacket "Jesus Christ! I'm never going to able to eat fruity sweets again because of you!"  
  
"Good! Then perhaps we can start on your caffeine addiction. But more to the point,  
why the hell have you turned me into Bernard Black in the story?" said Jareth angrily.  
  
"I dunno. I just thought being a mad, grumpy, drunken Irishman would be an improvement to your personality." said Lily making a quick comeback.  
  
"...OK I deserved that." said Jareth "But there's still loads of stuff that needs work."  
  
"Fine!" Lily grumbled "My parents are out tonight so I suggest that we order a Chinese and watch Eastenders before you start criticising my work."  
  
And so the teenage school leaver and the King of the Goblins did just that and argued long into the night after Lily had explained why Dirty Den had somehow risen from the grave and why Vicki's accent was the most unpredictable in the world.  
  
The morning after, Lily awoke on her sofa with a pile of notes and suggestions which she went over again and promptly threw away.  
  
"Cannibals! Ha! What was that nut thinking?" she thought as all the Goblin Kings ideas went through the shredder. 


	29. Found it!

Chapter Twenty Nine - Found it!  
  
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX  
  
A/N - Hey! Here it is, the penultimate chapter of the story, nay probably the whole series! I know it's short but I'm really really really really sick of all this nonsense! If you really miss the characters, Hilarity and Trin, then feel free to check out my original fiction about them on fiction press under the same pen name,  
  
In other news, I have just moved into my new flat and started college last Thursday.  
Wish me luck! O.O  
  
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX  
  
"OH!! We're never going to find the treasure at this rate!" cried Hilarity angrily and picked another leaf for Boris to try curing his tropical disease with.  
  
"Nyet! I am thinkingk that vun vas poison." said Boris worriedly.  
  
"OK. Try this one." said Thomas.  
  
"AHHHGK!!! That vun vas definitely poison!"  
  
"Anyway, as I was saying before. We're never going to find this thing so why don't we just give up and fight it out with those Pirates...or even change our identities and escape to Earth where we can make successful careers as rock stars, stand up comedians and multi-billionaire electronics tycoons."  
  
"FOUND IT!" Jareth shouted from some distant point in the jungle.  
  
"Damn it! I was looking forward to becoming a tycoon again!" said Thomas disappointedly.  
  
"Where is it?" Hilarity called back.  
  
"In that weird Aztec Temple over there." came her reply.  
  
"Damn it! It's always in the last place you look."  
  
"I'm going in, Hils!"  
  
"OK! But be careful! If this is anything like an Indiana Jones movie there's bound to be scores of traps and voodoo cults and Nazis everywhere!"  
  
"GOT IT!"  
  
"Oh." said Hilarity a little crestfallen "Well, that was a little anti-climatic. A bit like that last bit with you and Sarah at the end of the Labyrinth movie."  
  
"What was wrong with it?" said Jareth defensively as he emerged from the undergrowth dragging a giant treasure chest behind him.  
  
"Well, you know with all the other fun bits and the Bog jumping and the Goblin fighting and all those Necromantic Nectarines, you two might have put a little more effort into the end. Perhaps a little Kung Fu or an explosion at the very least."  
  
"Hmm I see your point."  
  
"Soooo, shall we go home now?" Thomas piped up. "It's getting late and I think we should get Boris to a hospital."  
  
"Well don't you want to have a look at the treasure first?" said the Goblin King to the others.  
  
"Ya know what? I really couldn't care less." said Hilarity.  
  
"Yeah, and it's rude to go through other peoples' buried treasure anyway." said Thomas.  
  
"Oh! The pain! It is vrackingk my insides!" came Boris's reply.  
  
"Yeah! You're right. Let's get the hell out of here." said Jareth. And they all disappeared in a puff of blue smoke. 


	30. The End

Chapter Thirty - The end! No, really! I'm serious! It's over! Finito!! Kaput!!! Get out of my pub!!!!  
  
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A/N - You read the chapter title! I am thoroughly sick of this horrible mess so I decided to stop the madness! So, goodbye folks, it's been a blast.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"OK! We got the treasure!" said Hilarity as she, Jareth and Thomas lugged the giant,  
ornate chest into the Pirate King's office with Boris on top of it as if it were a stretcher. "Can we go now!"  
  
"Arrgh!" said the Pirate King, unlocking the complicated looking padlocks and knocking the little Goblin off the top "It be treasure indeed!" he whispered with awe as he opened the lid. "Pornography! Firecrackers! And BISCUITS!!! RESULT!"  
  
"WHAT!!!" shouted the group in unison (well, except for Boris who shouted "VHAT!!!").  
  
"Pornography!?!" cried Jareth.  
  
"Firecrackers!?!" Hilarity added.  
  
"And Biscuits!?!" yelled Thomas.  
  
"Oh my!" said Boris weakly.  
  
"Yargh! Good work, me hearties! And as per our agreement, Jareth, I've decided to let your family go free." said the Pirate King happily.  
  
"How thoughtful of you!" said Jareth sarcastically, but quickly smiled with relief when Sarah and Caradoc entered the room unharmed. "Darling! You're all right!" he said happily but his wife quickly slapped him in the face.  
  
"How dare you let me get taken hostage and leave my in the lurch for four months!!"  
she shouted.  
  
"But Sarah! I had to do it!"  
  
"WHY?"  
  
"I don't remember but it was very important at the time!"  
  
"It doesn't matter anyway. The Pirate King and I sold your adventure to channel four and it became the most popular reality TV show since Big Brother 5! But that doesn't even come close to making it! When we get back to the castle, you and I are going to have a long boring talk about our relationship!!!" Sarah shouted angrily and stormed out dragging Caradoc behind her by the wrist.  
  
"Oh Damn it!!" cried Jareth and followed her.  
  
"Good luck, mate!" Hilarity called after him.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
A few days later...  
  
Hilarity was slightly shocked when she saw herself on TV for the first time. It was nice have people say hi to her in the street but she couldn't help being a little disturbed when she saw hoe large her head looked on TV. She really did look like a lamppost.  
Thomas was seriously embarrassed about being shown on universal television without his human disguise and quickly went back to wearing his contact lenses and wig even if Hilarity still insisted that there was nothing wrong with him and she still found him extremely sexy.  
  
Trin had not hesitated to flaunt his famous cousin and his famous cousin's famous boyfriend. Meanwhile, Hilarity's parents had become much more accepting towards Thomas once they saw that he was not as freaky and useless as they first thought.  
Hilarity was still angry at them but at least they were still making progress.  
  
That Friday night, Jareth turned up alone and everyone was feeling much more depressed than usual.  
  
"How's Boris?" asked Thomas.  
  
"Still recovering." The Goblin King mumbled.  
  
"Is Sarah still not speaking to you?" asked Hilarity.  
  
"Well, we're having a hard time, but we're working things out." Jareth replied.  
  
"I feel somewhat responsible." the alien girl said "After all this was all my idea."  
  
"Don't worry about it. I didn't have to go messing around with Pirates. It was my decision. I just can't believe we had so much bad luck."  
  
"It wasn't all that bad, Jareth." said Hilarity brightly "I mean we got to hang out in some seedy bars, red light districts. We went to jail, we went sailing, we got to see a man get struck by lightening...and we got absolutely bladdered in a luxury holiday home. It was just a bit unfortunate."  
  
"Well, on my planet, there's a theory that everything that happens is connected in some way and triggers off a whole series of events that you can't undo." said Thomas mysteriously.  
  
"Chaos theory!" Gasped Jareth.  
  
"So we're caught up in the avalanche of life." said Hilarity.  
  
"Yes. And it's all part of the universal equation that is so complex that it's impossible for us to understand it in its entirety." said Thomas.  
  
There was an awed silence.  
  
"Oh my God!" Jareth whispered.  
  
"What?" said the other two.  
  
"I just remembered, I've got some jaffa cakes in my cloak pocket that I stole from the treasure chest!"  
  
"YAY!!" cried the others.  
  
And so the trio relaxed and ate jaffa cakes all night long and tried not to worry about their misfortunes because it would all turn out all right in the end...  
  
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The End 


End file.
